Home Shopping Parties And the Hard Sell

Dear Miss Manners:

Should the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom wear the same color dress?

My daughter has blue beading in her dress, and her future mother-in-law has informed her that she will be wearing blue, since my daughter has blue in her dress.

Shouldn't the mother of the bride have the first choice?

She does: That is, she has first choice about what she wants to wear, and the other lady has first choice about what she wants to wear.

Of course, Miss Manners is presuming that both mothers are old enough to know that a wedding is neither a costume party nor a competition and can be trusted to wear dresses suitable to the occasion.

Dear Miss Manners:

Is it now considered "pretentious," as my 12-year-old son suspects, to respond to a formal party invitation with the traditional wording, "_______ accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of _________ to __________"?

I have always insisted on this sort of response, but now I suddenly find myself in doubt! I have been raising four boys for lo these 25 years. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but I must not be swayed by the temptation to abandon my duties too soon.

Hang in there.

This is no time to start taking etiquette lessons from a 12-year-old.

It would be pretentious to write a formal, third-person response to an e-mailed invitation to a beer fest or a telephoned offer to meet for dinner.

The rule is (and will continue to be, Miss Manners assures you) to respond to an invitation in kind, using the degree of formality in which the invitation was conveyed. So yes, a formal invitation requesting the pleasure of one's company should be answered formally, just as you have written.

2007Judith Martin