There's Six Sides to Every Story

By Norman Chad
Monday, March 3, 2008

Recently, the online magazine Smith asked readers to send in six-word memoirs. The tag on the magazine's masthead is, "Everyone has a story," and the editors wanted to see who could tell them in precisely half-a-dozen words. From Andie Grace, "Wasn't born a redhead; fixed that." From John Falk, "Dad wore leather pants in Reno." From Mario Batali, "Brought it to a boil, often."

Wandering through hundreds of those wonderful submissions, Couch Slouch realized that just about anything in the world of sports can be condensed to a six-word narrative:

Boy, Barry Bonds's head is large.

Bob Knight sure can coach, but . . .

We traded Kevin Garnett for whom?

Bud Selig wears glasses, can't see.

Fidel steps down. Is JoePa next?

Yeah, I guess I'd fire Isiah.

Take Appalachian State and the points.

Black Sox scandal: Jackson needed shoes.

Kelvin, can you hear me now?

Shaq to Suns leaves dry Heat.

College football needs a playoff system.

At least we have the BCS.

(Personal Six-Worder I: Two marriages, two separations, two divorces.)

Oh, taxpayers can fund the ballpark.

I keep all my Putt-Putt receipts.

Patriots won 'em all -- well, almost.

Doc Holliday, Dr. Seuss, Brian McNamee.

Trouble in Cleveland? Cue the midges!

What cable network televises NHL games?

Starring as George Washington: Jose Canseco.

I'd bet tennis, but it's fixed.

Everywhere you look, there's a Steinbrenner.

Seabiscuit: Four legs and a tale.

One toke over the line, Ricky.

My favorite sports oxymoron: MLS expansion.

(Personal Six-Worder II: The third time's the charm, no?)

Knight, Knight; Castro, Castro; Holmgren, Mora.

Doesn't everyone keep old, bloody gauze?

The Knicks have, uh, court problems.

The next round's on John Daly!

Mark McGwire's all about the future.

Shaq, we'll meet you up court.

Acid flashback: Dock Ellis's no-hitter.

I went all-in on a draw.

Is David Beckham still in America?

Mr. Vick, does your dog bite?

Tour de France: Tour de Testosterone.

I miss Al McGuire every day.

(Personal Six-Worder III: My mistake, walking into an OTB.)

Red Sox win; Satan dons sweater.

Charles Barkley usually loses at blackjack.

Prelude, Tiger Slam; encore, Grand Slam.

Under Selig, baseball is pro wrestling.

Nothing like a summer pool party.

I figure Belichick has two videographers.

Forget cork, Sammy, go twist cap.

After the game, Zednik said, "Grgglachgh."

What's next, ESPN Deportes en Saturn?

Paging Mr. Travis Henry to maternity.

Ask the Slouch

Q. Why do infielders show the outfielders how many outs there are? Aren't the outfielders paying attention to the game also? (Blaine and Laine Thibodeaux; Groves, Tex.)

A. It's just a wise, cautionary tactic, in case an outfielder has lost track. Similarly, when President Bush wakes up in the morning, a staff aide will tell him what day of the week it is.

Q. Since the bitter feud between Champ Car and Indy Racing League has ended in a merger, has this inspired any hope of reconciliation between you and any of your former wives? (Brian Schenk; Woodinville, Wash.)

A. For that to occur, Toni -- a.k.a She Could Be The One III -- would have to be very open-minded and we'd have to move to Utah.

Q. Would it be accurate to say a sportswriter is someone neither good enough at sports to be a professional athlete nor good enough at writing to be a professional journalist? (Bob Paysour; Manassas)

A. Thanks for the mid-winter pick-me-up.

Q. Is the public really dumb enough to watch Floyd Mayweather in Wrestlemania 24? (David McClure; Oakland, Calif.)

A. I assume that's a rhetorical question.

Q. Do you think the Westminster Kennel Club should begin mandatory testing for Canine Growth Hormone (CGH)? (Ken Elinsky; Cleveland)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!