Lessons in Cool

Don't get mad, get an Uzi

(Eric Shansby)

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By Gene Weingarten

Sunday, March 9, 2008; Page W32

My last name is pretty uncommon, so the other day, when I found a Web site belonging to a man named Weingarten, I snapped to attention. I actually needed this guy. I got him on the phone.

Me: I see from your Web site that you are an expert in "communicating with compassion."

Uzi Weingarten: Yes.

Me: I'm snide, sarcastic, insensitive, overbearing and self-important. Everyone I meet is fodder for ridicule. I'll trash venerable institutions for a cheap laugh. I'll savage politicians unfairly, just because I know they can't sue. I'm a smartass, and I'm ready to change. I need your help.

Uzi: Good.

Me: But first, I want to ask you a question.

Uzi: Sure.

Me: What kind of an idiot name is "Uzi" for someone who teaches compassionate communication? It's like getting a lesson in friendly negotiation from Machine Gun Kelly. Why'd your parents name you that? Was Knuckles Weingarten already taken?

Uzi:

Me: You see my problem.

Uzi: I do. You can call me "Ben," if you'd prefer.

Me: You are a very, very calm man.