'Idol' Shocker! Another Truth Bared!

"Over the years," the Shocking New Report continues, " 'Idol' has devoted plenty of screen time to participants' personal lives," including asking "intimate questions of the contestants."

Its evidence? Those beauty-pageant questions we've come to love and mock on "Idol" -- like this week's "What was your most embarrassing moment?"

Anyone who thinks those are "intimate questions" clearly has not watched one second of "Moment of Truth."

Anyway, the story continues:

"Every season, blogs and message board users endlessly speculate about the sexuality of contestants," the AP says, having now worked itself up into a state of complete overstimulation:

"Online clues hinting at their sexual orientation often emerge. But," the story scolds, "Fox and 'Idol' producers have never addressed such rumors or depicted openly gay finalists as such on the show or on [its official Web site] AmericanIdol.com."

This week, the story continues, a video of "flamboyant" current semifinalist Danny Noriega lashing out against Santa Claus hit the Internet.

That's right, flamboyant and hates Santa Claus!

Another video of Noriega, wearing a do-rag while he sings Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" and raps about being gay, was posted on YouTube, the story continues.

(Actually, in that video, he rapped about eating cereal -- Cheerios, to be exact -- out of a bowl while watching " 'SpongeBob SquarePants' in the [expletive] house.")

At the end of the video, he explains he's got his do-rag cause he's a "[expletive] [gay slur]." And, to be completely clear, Noriega also observes in his rap that you eat hay for dinner because you look like a horse.

By this point the Shocking New Report has exhausted itself. So it's time to quickly recap the "David Hernandez: Stripper Scandal" story and wrap things up with what's called a "kicker" in the news business -- some really punchy ending, this one delivered by former Idolette Verraros:

"Regardless of whether or not a contestant is gay, the talent is there. That should always come first and foremost."

Priceless.