Week 755: Take Another 'Whack

. . . if you test all your cosmetics on your pets anyway. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

. . . if your favorite toy as a child was a magnifying glass. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.)

. . . if your parrot will speak only its name, rank and serial number. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

. . . if you wonder why anyone would pay more to take a cat to the vet than it costs to buy a new cat. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

You just might have a substance abuse problem . . .

. . . if Amy Winehouse tells you to go to rehab. (Pam Sweeney)

. . . if you order the coq au vin and tell the waiter to hold the coq. (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, not a First Offender but last heard from in 1997)

. . . if you go to the altar railing five times in a row at Mass, wearing various disguises, to partake of the chalice. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

. . . if each morning you need some hair of the horse tranquilizer that bit you. (Chuck Smith)

. . . if your chest X-ray comes out in sepia. (Chuck Smith)

. . . if you believe God gave you two livers for a purpose. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia)

. . . if you called in sick to work three times in one morning. (Kurt Riefner, Fairbanks, Alaska)