Alpha Dogs

The Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race -- a 1,150-mile trek across Alaska -- is near its conclusion. Tuffy the Snow Prince, a 55-pound Siberian husky on musher Spoons Grabilovitch's sled team, agreed to Couch Slouch's request to keep a daily log. Here are excerpts from Tuffy's Iditarod journal:

Day 1: Before the race, they check out our teeth, tonsils, eyes, heart, lungs, joints and feet; you'd think we each were trying to take out a $10 million life insurance policy. . . . I hate urine tests -- the cup is too small. And, heck, why don't they test the mushers? . . .

I can't stand the ceremonial start in Anchorage every year. Too many people. On the other hand, it's the last place till Nome we see a lot of fire hydrants.

Day 2: Do I think defending champion Lance Mackey's canines are doping? Look at how thick those dogs' coats are -- you tell me. . . . The best part about the trail down Dalzell Gorge? No fleas. . . . They always want us to go over "frozen" lakes. Hey, you go first, pal. . . . It's all about pain management. You think anyone cares that I've got bruised ribs and an upper paw sprain? . . .

Global warming, my butt.

Day 3: Some folks wax poetic over the glory of the Mississippi or the power of the Nile. Me? I'll take the south fork of the Kuskokwim River. . . . There's that old expression: If you're not the lead dog, the view doesn't change. Like I'm not tired of staring at Sasha's backside all afternoon. . . . I'd wag my tail, but it's so cold, I can't even feel my tail. . . .

God, I hate the mountain passes.

Day 4: We're hauling butt out there six, eight hours a day, and they're still serving up Alpo every night? What, the dog food industry hasn't heard of "organic" yet? . . . I'm reminded of that old joke where the baby polar bear keeps asking the mother polar bear if he really is a polar bear because he's cold all the time. Because I'm freezing, too. . . . You never know when you're going to run into a pregnant moose on the trail. . . .

Now, this is frozen tundra.

Day 5: I swear, if Gopher Lord comes up to sniff my behind one more time without asking first, there will be blood at the Sulatna Crossing. . . . Spoons says we have to be "tougher" than the other teams, so we sleep without heaters. . . . If we're man's best friend, I'd hate to see what he does to his enemies. . . . I'll say this, though: They go around picking up our poop all day long. So you tell me who's got who on a short leash. . . .

I'd kill for a Petco right now.

Day 6: If Spoons says, "Mush!" one more time when I'm giving him 110 percent up a treacherous climb, you will see a "Dog Bites Man" headline. . . . You goof off in obedience school and you end up in a driving blizzard on the shore of the Bering Sea. . . . The race is televised by Versus? Versus? Geez. I wish there were an ESPN3. . . . Spoons talks a good game, but believe you me, he's no Susan Butcher. . . .