Alpha Dogs

I should've gone to med school.

Day 7: You probably heard about that business last year in which Ramy Brooks's team refused to leave a checkpoint in Golovin. He had it coming -- he treated 'em like dogs. . . . Hey, would it kill Spoons to spring for lambskin sweaters for each of us? . . . Just wanted to give a shout-out to one of my old buddies, Jailbait, who was part of the Michael Vick dogfighting biz. Sad, sad case. . . . We could use GPS. I mean, where are we?. . .

Man, my paws are filthy.

Day 8: The winning driver gets $75,000 and a new pickup truck. And the dogs? We get a pat on the head and a water-bowl refill. I hate people. . . . Then there's office politics: Dazzler and Beelzebub always get their treats first because they always bark disingenuously when Spoons scratches their heads. . . . Boy, this collar's absolutely killing me. . . . Mamas, don't let your puppies grow up to be sled dogs. . . .

I hate slush.

Day 9: I saw some highlights from the Westminster Kennel Club show last month. Now, that's the life.

Ask The Slouch

Q. When Brett Favre signed his retirement papers, did he do it in classic Favre style, falling away and off his back foot? (Stephen Maxwell; Colorado Springs)

A. Yes, plus he announced plans to wear Wrangler jeans on 258 consecutive trips to the lake.

Q. If you used steroids, would your writing improve or would you just write faster? (Robert Lynch; Albany, N.Y.)

A. I just started on tetrahydrogestrinone, and, with any luck, I'll have Marion Jones's biography done by dusk.

Q. Have you ever been in the pits during a NASCAR race and get hit in the head with a flying lug nut during a tire change? (Fred Gafner; Greenfield, Wis.)

A. No, but I had a divorce lawyer serve me with papers during Game 4 of the 1989 World Series.

Q. Am I watching too much college basketball? Every day at 4:00, 8:00 and 12:00, I stop what I'm doing and look around for a TV timeout. (Charles Precht; Houston)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!