CAROLYN HAX

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Dear Carolyn:

How much slack do you cut "busy" friends? I'm in my 30s, no relationship, no kids (God, I sound pathetic), but I've always felt I had good friends -- all of whom are now married, some with kids. I noticed that while they were always enthusiastic to hear from me and would make time to see me, I was doing all the heavy lifting, and so I experimented with not getting in touch. No calls, no e-mails, no IMs, nothing. I know they're busy, but I also know they watch plenty of TV and go shopping and take naps and read online gossip. Evidently, I'm far down the priority list.

Maryland

Independence is not "pathetic."

Look at your list: TV, shopping, naps, Web surfing. In other words, solitary things readily available to tired people who get a moment to themselves. I doubt it's a slight or a reflection of priorities -- it's default. You have an hour -- not when you plan to, but when one shows up -- so you blow it on unplanned R&R like TV or a Target run. There's also just the rhythm of days, where you sit down at the end and just, well, sit. For some it's the first time alone or with spouses all day.

Granted, it's easy to say, "Hey, let's go out after work/the kids' bedtime." But for many it involves one extra step -- for example, thinking of it while you're near a phone or computer, or having to check the calendar. Even a minor extra step can prove insurmountable, no matter how valued the friend.

If you genuinely like and enjoy these friends -- i.e., if you're okay with companionship as its own validation -- then start calling again. You said they make time for you; who does that for unwanted friends?

To Maryland:

I'm one of the ones whose life with husband, kids, job, etc. overwhelms my ability to plan. I'm also a pretty fair introvert, and I find the outreach hard, even to people I like. I do e-mail, but I don't usually get my act together for anything else. I am, however, deeply grateful for the people who DO take the lead.

Anonymous

Hey, get out of my head! (For your own good -- it's scary in there.) One phone call, a mere flick of the wrist for one person, can take days of procrastinating, deep breathing and self-motivating for an introvert. Or someone who's depressed. Thank you.

Dear Carolyn:

So who gets to be totally off the hook for maintaining a reciprocal relationship? Just introverts? People with two kids, but not one? People without a nanny? Friendship implies give and take. You seem to be saying that some people are exempt from ever having to give.

Washington, D.C.

I'm simply suggesting that people have vast differences in their temperaments and circumstances, and that successful friendships benefit not from a flat quid pro quo but from a subtler understanding of what people give and why.

That introvert who never invites -- but always accepts -- may be your fiercest ally when you need one, or will take your secrets to the grave, or will forgive your quirks in a way no one else ever will. It's about bringing a little sophistication to the definition of "reciprocal."