The Different Degrees Of a Cold Shoulder

Dear Miss Manners:

The girl who tortured me daily in junior high is my fellow bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding. My co-worker's husband's ex, who sued the co-worker and her husband, will be at their daughter's graduation celebration. Today I will see a man at a funeral who hacked into my computer.

Can you advise us on how to handle ourselves correctly when we are forced to see people we loathe socially?

By turning down the social temperature, which is normally set at Warm for such occasions.

But Miss Manners insists that you understand that there is not simply one setting marked Cold. You may loathe them all, but the offenses are different and require different settings.

For the bridesmaid, it is Slightly Cool. Your mouth turns up when you have to say hello to her, but your eyes do not participate in the smile. Then you endeavor to keep at a distance. That should remind her of your grievance, and if she has grown into a different person, she will endeavor to make it up to you.

The ex gets Cold. All the formalities, but no smile. You do not have a personal grievance against him; you are merely treating him as the sort of person you do not want to know.

The hacker deserves Freeze. You do not greet him, you do not acknowledge his presence, and if he approaches you, you turn away.

Mind you, all of this has to be performed without the notice of others. Putting a chill on such occasions is itself a grievance that will have others giving you the cold shoulder.

Dear Miss Manners:

My husband and I have had several discussions over the past 25 years regarding addressing the envelope to close friends and family when sending birthday cards. I feel using the formal address (i.e. Mr., Mrs., Miss) is very impersonal. Am I wrong?

Not entirely. Miss Manners assures you that you are right that it is impersonal, although you are wrong that your personal feelings belong on an envelope that goes through the Post Office.