Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Dear Miss Manners:

The girl who tortured me daily in junior high is my fellow bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding. My co-worker's husband's ex, who sued the co-worker and her husband, will be at their daughter's graduation celebration. Today I will see a man at a funeral who hacked into my computer.

Can you advise us on how to handle ourselves correctly when we are forced to see people we loathe socially?

By turning down the social temperature, which is normally set at Warm for such occasions.

But Miss Manners insists that you understand that there is not simply one setting marked Cold. You may loathe them all, but the offenses are different and require different settings.

For the bridesmaid, it is Slightly Cool. Your mouth turns up when you have to say hello to her, but your eyes do not participate in the smile. Then you endeavor to keep at a distance. That should remind her of your grievance, and if she has grown into a different person, she will endeavor to make it up to you.

The ex gets Cold. All the formalities, but no smile. You do not have a personal grievance against him; you are merely treating him as the sort of person you do not want to know.

The hacker deserves Freeze. You do not greet him, you do not acknowledge his presence, and if he approaches you, you turn away.

Mind you, all of this has to be performed without the notice of others. Putting a chill on such occasions is itself a grievance that will have others giving you the cold shoulder.

Dear Miss Manners:

My husband and I have had several discussions over the past 25 years regarding addressing the envelope to close friends and family when sending birthday cards. I feel using the formal address (i.e. Mr., Mrs., Miss) is very impersonal. Am I wrong?

Not entirely. Miss Manners assures you that you are right that it is impersonal, although you are wrong that your personal feelings belong on an envelope that goes through the Post Office.

Dear Miss Manners:

My mother taught me not to mess with a lady's purse, but when I go to socials, I often find all of the available seats occupied by purses and coats. The ladies are chatting in the kitchen while the men are standing on sore knees in the living room.

Are these chairs reserved for the ladies whose purses occupy them? Where should the ladies properly place their coats and purses? Am I allowed to remove a purse or coat and put it in its proper place?

You gentlemen would be less uncomfortable if you stopped standing on your knees, Miss Manners would imagine. And if you understood that messing with a lady's purse means opening it, sitting on it, tossing it across the room and, in extreme cases, stealing it, but not carefully placing it out of your way (and where she will be able to find it).

Gentlemen may not appreciate the fact that there has never been a satisfactory solution to the problem of where a lady should park her purse. If she puts it on the floor, you will step on it. If she puts it on a table, you will spill your drink on it. If she keeps it on her arm, it will tire her and also hit you in the wrong place if you try to hug her.

Coats are another matter. Presumably there is a closet, or you gentlemen would have strewn your own coats on chairs. So why don't you hang up the ladies' coats? For that matter, why didn't you do so when you and the ladies arrived?

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008Judith Martin