Take My Kid, Please!

"I see very well-meaning parents who negatively reinforce behaviors they don't want," she said, either by reacting harshly or inconsistently to misbehavior or by endlessly trying to reason with a child.

"It's very common for a parent to attend immediately to a child in a tantrum," which reinforces the behavior. Instead, she advises them to make sure a child is safe and then ignore it or walk away.

"I tell parents all the time, 'Act, don't yak.' "

Managing a Meltdown

Kazdin could not agree more.

He said he often informs parents, "I don't want you to know anything, I want you to do things differently." He advocates that parents practice effective ways to praise, how to punish using brief timeouts or withdrawal of privileges, and what not to do. Harsh punishment, he said, especially physical discipline, can immediately suppress misbehavior but its effects don't last, which is why parents often escalate punishments. Parents who hit or nag, he said, lead to "escape and avoidance" by a child and fail to encourage or reinforce good behavior.

So how does Kazdin handle a 5-year-old who has explosive 30-minute tantrums during which he trashes a room?

"That's really easy," said Kazdin whose strategy incorporates the ABCs of behaviorism: antecedent, behavior and consequence.

At home during a calm period, tell the child you're going to play a game. "You say, 'I'm going to pretend to say no and you're going to have a tantrum, but you're not going to hit or throw things. If you can do that, we're going to walk over to the refrigerator and put a star up on your chart,' " which can be turned in for a reward, such as a favorite food or TV time.

"You remind the child it's pretend and then do it. If a child complies, you say, 'I can't believe it, you just stood there when I said no and didn't throw things.' Then you say, 'I bet you can't do it again.' And when the child does, you praise and give another star. If the child fails, you say calmly, 'Okay, no star this time because you threw things. We'll try again later.' "

Practice sessions and positive reinforcement repeated over several weeks, Kazdin said, become the foundation for behavioral change.

"I know it sounds counterintuitive," he said.

Many parents, Kazdin noted, dole out praise ham-handedly, either by making it too general to be meaningful ("Good job!") or by "caboosing" ("Why can't you pick up your toys every time?").