Behavior 101

Here are some recommendations for dealing with difficult behavior devised by experts in child development. These techniques have been found to work, but they are no guarantees of success, because each child and family is different.

"Parenting requires time, common sense and tolerance," regardless of the kind of child you are raising, noted Maryland child psychiatrist Michael Brody.

¿ Zip it. Parents seeking cooperation or trying to prevent misbehavior typically talk too much. Keep requests short and simple.

¿ Examine expectations. While difficult behavior may be a matter of definition or degree, some adults have skewed views about child development. Pediatrician Michelle Macias recalls a mother who sought help because she complained her baby "whined all day long." Macias said the child was merely vocalizing, a precursor of speech.

¿ Ignore it. If you want to reduce or even eliminate behavior such as tantrums, make sure your child is safe and then pay no attention. Negative attention reinforces behavior in much the same way oxygen feeds a fire, and giving in teaches your child that a meltdown works.

¿ Be clear, specific and calm. Instead of saying, "Clean up your room," try "Please pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper so they can be washed." A neutral or positive tone of voice is more likely to be successful.

¿ Praise properly. Dump the all-purpose "Good job!" for the more concrete "Thank you for picking up your clothes and putting them in the hamper." Praise that is immediate, specific, enthusiastic and coupled with a smile or quick high five reinforces the desired behavior. Resist the urge to "caboose" by adding, "Why can't you do this all the time?"

¿ Look in the mirror. If your child routinely forgets to turn in homework or seems unusually volatile, ask yourself whether she is modeling what she sees. Do not expect your child to be organized or calm if you aren't.

¿ Reward trumps punishment. Properly administered, a token system that rewards compliance is more effective than punishment in shaping desired behavior. Punishment such as a brief timeout or loss of an evening's telephone, computer or TV privileges can be effective if employed immediately after undesired behavior occurs.

¿ Be realistic. Accept your child for who he or she is, and do not expect miracles or instant results from a behavioral regimen. Success is measured in increments, not great leaps.

-- Sandra G. Boodman

Sources: Michelle Macias, Michael Brody, Alan Kazdin, Georgia DeGangi, Anne Kendall