'The Talk'

Beyond the Big Talk

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No one claims finding age-appropriate words to explain sperm donation -- or even simpler topics -- is easy. Self-consciousness and embarrassment sometimes trip up even those who work in the field.

Steve Martino can speak to that. A behavioral scientist with the Rand Corp. in Pittsburgh, he was the lead author of a study in the February issue of Pediatrics showing that the more frequently parents talked to their adolescents about sex, the closer the teens felt to their parents and the less likely they were to engage in risky behavior.

Researchers who surveyed 312 teens and their parents in Southern California four times over a year found that parents who took a one-shot "checklist" approach to talking about sex had less influence than those who introduced new topics gradually, returning to them over time.

"Parents might think that they can talk about a particular topic once and be done with that topic," Martino said, "but as your child ages and develops and has new experiences, the topics take on new meaning."

When parents talk about sexuality with their adolescent children, they are often "defensive, avoidant, impersonal, unsupportive and rule-oriented," Martino and colleagues noted in their study. They tend to stick with relatively safe topics such as menstruation and reproductive facts and avoid more private topics such as masturbation, orgasm and sexual decision-making.

The researchers cited evidence that suggests adolescents are less likely to take risks -- initiating intercourse at a young age, for example -- if their parents are "open, skilled and comfortable" during discussions of sex-related topics.

Open and comfortable? Even Martino admits this is easier said than done.

He said his 9-year-old son recently asked him how the sperm gets to the egg.

"I could feel my face getting red," Martino remembered. "I had my face down, and I was not looking him in the eyes. I thought to myself: 'I have to look him in the eyes.' "

Rather than try to hide his embarrassment, he told his son that he felt a bit uncomfortable, but he wanted to answer his questions.

So how can other parents expect to tackle the tough topics?

Begin early.