With Most Regretful Apologies

A FEW WEEKS AGO, I wrote a lengthy article in The Washington Post Magazine about the overly contentious state of political punditry in America. In one section, I made fun of both Bill O'Reilly -- whom I described as a humorless, sputtering, self-righteous scold -- and Rush Limbaugh, whom I actually had to force myself to dislike. Limbaugh is smart and funny, I explained, but as a liberal, I must not side with the enemy. So I dug deep and came up with a reason to hate Limbaugh, too. It was a joke.

The next day, O'Reilly denounced The Post on the air for engaging in "smear attacks" and actually threatened retribution: If we didn't cut it out, he hinted, he would disclose embarrassing things about people who work at The Post. Then Limbaugh attacked me on his show. He called me stupid and said my attitude demonstrated typical liberal mania. He even put my picture up on his Web site, like a police mug shot.

We are so politicized as a nation that no one can take a joke anymore. No criticism, however nuanced, can go unanswered; it's as though we are all on a 24/7, war room footing, where perceived attacks must be answered instantly, with maximum prejudice.

For the good of America, I say, this has to stop. I would like to take the first step in this healing process by apologizing to both Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. O'Reilly, whose reprisals, by the way, exponentially increased the number of people who now know my name and have read my story. It's the most publicity I've ever gotten. Just by going negative!

So, Rush, what can I say? I was wrong, and you are right, even if you are the sort of man who picks his nose and smears it on the underside of chairs. And, Bill, I should not have said what I said about you, even if you are in need of emergency surgery to remove that enormous bladder of pomposity lodged in your gut.

Anyway, this whole disagreeable episode got me thinking. If conservatives with gigantic audiences are that thin-skinned and might slam me back, perhaps some other apologies are in order.

To George F. Will, I am sorry that I have observed to friends that you look exactly like Alfalfa.

To Ann Coulter, whom I once compared in a column to Erszebet Bathory, the 16th-century noblewoman who killed her servant girls and bathed in their blood as a skin-care therapy, I sincerely apologize. That comparison was unfair. You are much taller.

To James Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, who believes that homosexuality is a moral lapse and is "correctable," and also that children should be disciplined through spanking severe enough to produce up to five minutes of crying, I offer you my apology, and my bare butt, if punishing me will help you release some of that repressed sexual tension.

To Sean Hannity, by way of making up for all of the swear words I have hurled at the TV during your diatribes, I offer a genuine compliment. You are a good-looking man. You remind me of George Clooney -- if Mr. Clooney were also as much of a gasbag as the Graf Zeppelin.

And, finally, to the Rev. Pat Robertson, I offer my sincere regrets for having criticized you for your promiscuously septic politics, such as your contention that 9/11 was divine punishment for actions of the American Civil Liberties Union and people who support abortion rights. I'm sorry. And it is my fervent hope that the next time you speak directly with God -- as you do so often -- that He doesn't inform you of what awaits you in the Hereafter.

Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com.

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