CAROLYN HAX

By Carolyn Hax
Thursday, April 17, 2008

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Dear Carolyn:

I am a 40-year-old male and currently dating casually. I am highly motivated to get married and start a family. How do I ask potential mates if they are able to have children, without being offensive? I have recently dated women both in their late 30s and cervical cancer survivors. They both seemed reserved or non-responsive to my subtle hints at the BIG QUESTION.

And WHEN do I ask? After one month of dating or sooner? I am no spring chicken myself!

Wellfleet, Mass.

So, you're looking for a vessel? I would state that upfront.

Dear Carolyn:

He may be looking for a "vessel," but plenty of women are looking for sperm. And I say this as a mid-30s woman. I am getting a lot less picky and I, too, would rather have that conversation upfront, maybe not the first date but in one month.

I think it should be clear if people want kids in general -- maybe not with each other, just that it's a wish the other person shares. Let's just get real here. Time counts at some point, and having children is a deal-breaker for most people.

Washington, D.C.

I hope you see how (pardon the pun) dehumanizing this all is. You're putting a higher value on having biological children than on the character, work ethic, sense of humor, roots, culture, stories, lumps, bumps and scars of the person you're dating.

Somebody loves these people you've reduced to a dinner out plus gametes. Someone went to the trouble to raise them, feed them, clothe them, kiss their boo-boos, instill values in them. I doubt you'd want your longed-for baby to be regarded so lightly when s/he's of age to start a family. Respect the people you're dating, whether things work out or not, or don't date.

Carolyn:

I swear you've said before that people dating in their 30s are of course entitled to bring up the baby conversation pretty early on. Is the distinction here that today's poster so clearly was looking for a vessel, vs. someone who is interested in dating and wants to clear up the subject? I'm having trouble drawing the line here.

Va.

Here's the line: It's fine to ask if someone wants children -- in other words, the experience of raising children, be it through birth, adoption, fostering, stepparenting and whatever other legal method I may have overlooked. Often people will live according to their second or third choice, because they're willing to sacrifice their first choice to be with the people they love. But it's still a matter of character -- you're choosing mates based on who they are and what they value, which is as it should be.

When it becomes, "I'm not interested in you unless you can bear children with my genetic material," then it gets into the aforesaid dehumanization territory. Then it's not "What are your values?" -- it's "Nice to meet you, does your uterus work?"

Add to this the fact that, should you succeed, you will be teaching these values to children.

I hope that makes the distinction pop a little better for you.

By the way, this doesn't even touch on how people are supposed to prove fertility, given that absolute certainty is achieved only when a healthy baby comes out.