By Marguerite Kelly
Special to The Washington Post
Friday, April 18, 2008

Q. My niece, who's nearly 6, goes to school in tears almost every other day.

She sometimes comes home and tells her parents that the next day will be great, but then that evening, or the next morning, she will start to cry or get quite quiet and say that she doesn't want to go to school, but we don't know why.

My niece has said that some kids in her school wouldn't let her play with them recently and the next day -- when the kids were making Mother's Day gifts -- she started to cry and told them she missed her mother. This week she said some kids picked on her and teased her for being a crybaby.

My sister-in-law, who volunteers in her daughter's classroom once a week, feels the teacher is too strict and harsh with other kids, which may be creating a tense atmosphere in the class, but we don't know how the teacher treats my niece when her mother isn't around. How do we find out what's wrong -- and how can we help my niece? The teacher suggested the girl talk with the school counselor, but she is fully booked. If we took her to a private counselor, how would we find a good one?

Also, how should the parents respond when their child says she doesn't want to go to school? Should they just let her stay at home for a day, or would that set a bad precedent?

A.Everyone needs a mental health day once in a while, and your niece is no exception. It won't hurt her at all to stay home in her jammies and it could help her quite a bit.

When a child develops a sudden aversion to a place or a person, however, parents have to consider all of the possibilities. Even a baby has a reason for everything she does and every cry she makes. You just have to find out what it is.

And so it is with a 5-year-old who's about to turn 6.

It's most likely that your niece has become the target of her classmates because she acts a little younger than they do or because she isn't learning as fast as they are.

The children in her classroom may be about the same age, but their bodies, their minds, their emotions and even their morals are growing at different rates. And yet the greater their differences, the more they want to look and act like each other. It's all about fitting in, about acceptance -- about being part of the gang -- that is so important to a student, whether she's in kindergarten or senior high. Your niece, or any child, would be devastated if her classmates started teasing her meanly, particularly if she had been accepted by them in the past.

This kind of behavior can also turn a couple of alpha girls into classroom bullies quickly unless the teacher is strong enough to intervene. Sometimes a teacher seems strong because she is harsh or strict, when in fact she is quite weak. A new or poorly trained teacher often is afraid she'll lose control of the class, especially if she's trying to teach younger children and has no aide to help her.

Since your sister-in-law helps in the classroom each week, she should already know enough about the teacher, the class and the students to present a detached appraisal at a conference with the principal and the teacher. Together they may decide that your niece needs a special weekly job in the classroom to make school more appealing or some time in the resource room to catch up with the other children or a few more play dates with her classmates, so she will be more comfortable with them at school.

If these and other suggestions don't work, and if your niece still won't say why she's so unhappy about school, she may have been scared badly -- or even molested -- at school. To find out for sure, her parents should ask the principal for the names of a few child psychologists who have helped other students in the past. A good therapist may use play therapy or art therapy or dance therapy when dealing with young children, but sooner or later he gets them to talk.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.