Ho-Ho-Ho: The Last Laugh

For the seven years he has owned the landmark Toutorsky Mansion in Dupont Circle, Humberto Gonzalez feuded with neighbors, who blocked his attempt to expand the elegant Victorian bed-and-breakfast and called the cops on his parties. And now, with the historic property up for sale for $7.5 million under Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Gonzalez recently sent out eyebrow-raising invitations for one climactic bash:

The neighbors were worried about this becoming a Bed and Breakfast and because of that for one night only we will have a Red Light District Party!

The Evite (to 700 folks) went on to promise "hot girls, guys and transgenders on the front windows a la Amsterdam style! . . . Come as a whore, pimp, or transgender."

Whoa. Trying to get back at the neighbors? "It's just a joke," Gonzalez told us yesterday. "It's not meant as revenge." He explained that the party -- with a $20 cover charge -- is in honor of a friend graduating from Georgetown and will be similar to theme parties he's hosted every other month.

But still . . . it's clear that resentments simmer, with Gonzalez blaming neighbors for the business's decline. The real estate agent bought the 1893 mansion -- originally built for Supreme Court Justice Henry B. Brown, later the headquarters of the Zionist Organization of America -- with hopes of turning it into a 12-room B&B. He says he couldn't make a go of it with the original six-room zoning permit; neighbors blocked his attempt to expand.

As for the May 17 party, he insisted that the naughty "front window" displays will actually be inside the house (sorry, all you 16th Street gawkers!). But he also acknowledged that "this is going to shock them, probably."

We checked in with one of those nemesis neighbors, Max Salas, who would rather see a condo developer or nonprofit take over the house but says he wishes Gonzalez "all the luck in the world." Salas chuckled when we read him the Evite. "I wonder why I wasn't invited," he deadpanned. "Sounds like fun."

THIS JUST IN . . .

· How did Sen. John Ensign manage to turn in his best performance ever in the annual ACLI Capital Challenge three-miler? The just-turned-50 Republican from Nevada led a field of nine senators in the race through Anacostia Park yesterday with a time of 19:34 -- more than a minute faster than last year, two minutes faster than '06. Ensign would divulge no secrets, though, instead giving a quote about how the Special Olympics fundraiser "provides a bipartisan atmosphere that is able to bridge the red-blue divide" blah blah -- so we might have to call for hearings on this. About 600 other Hill types and journalists competed. As usual, Bart Gordon was the fastest congressman (18:40), Jean Schmidt the fastest congresswoman (22:50) and Kay Bailey Hutchison the fastest -- and yes, only -- lady senator (39:12). Special guest runner Adrian Fenty clocked an 18:07, 40 seconds faster than last year.

HEY, ISN'T THAT . . . ?

· Andy Baldwin and girlfriend at the Luke's Wings fundraiser for wounded veterans Tuesday at Tattoo Bar. The military doc -- jeans, white button-down shirt with pinstripes -- of "The Bachelor" fame (proposed to Tessa Horst but never quite followed through) just moved to D.C. two weeks ago, assigned to the Navy's Bureau of Medicine and Surgery. Hold on . . . girlfriend? You mean Marla Maples, she of that much-hyped romance just last month? Nope, this was a " Heather."

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"There's something about being scooched up to his butt that makes you want to sing, 'Take Me Home, Tom.' "

-- Oprah Winfrey on her snowmobile ride with Tom Cruise, reports USA Today. The talk-show queen interviewed the couch-jumping movie star at his home in Telluride, Colo., for a two-part retrospective of his career.