CAROLYN HAX

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Carolyn:

When is it okay to contact an absentee father who mom says was abusive to her, which is why she had to leave him? Do I wait until I need someone to walk me down the aisle (in the next year or two) or do I just not contact him at all because it could be dangerous? I haven't seen him in 17 years and I'd like some closure, and to meet my half-siblings.

D.C.

Contact your dad when you're confident in your reasons, and when you're ready to handle whatever comes of it, even if it bears no resemblance to what you had hoped.

You also may need to make peace with your mom; between the lines, you sound skeptical of her abuse claims. Whether it comes after talks with Mom or with a reputable counselor or both, consider contacting Dad as a later stage of putting old issues to rest, not the opening one -- and certainly not one staged to coincide with your wedding.

Besides, an absentee father who abused your mother can't be your only choice to walk you down the aisle. Let your mother do it; she raised you. Or, another prominent figure in your upbringing. Or, walk yourself. Traditions are an optional guideline, not marching orders against all reason.

Dear Carolyn:

Two of my dearest single friends have herpes. Both have talked about the difficulty of dating people who do not have it. I think they would like each other for other reasons, but I would also like to help them with this issue. Is there any tactful way of setting them up, while telling them about their shared affliction/characteristic?