CAROLYN HAX

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Carolyn:

Just found out my boyfriend, whom I am thinking of a future with, is not an organ donor. He doesn't have any religious beliefs to speak of but said he would like to be buried whole.

I lost my lifelong best friend as she waited for an organ donation that never came. Do I have the right to broach such an intensely personal decision with my boyfriend? How do I approach it without putting him on the defensive? I feel that I can talk with him about a lot of things, but I don't want to be unreasonable because I am so emotionally invested in the issue.

This isn't a deal-breaker for me, I don't think. But it is something I want to discuss with him.

Organ Donation Quandary

Absolutely you can raise this issue, and I hope you do. It is intensely personal, and you can start by acknowledging that -- but it's also a public health issue. Not to mention, you're close to the point of pondering marriage, so personal questions aren't just permissible, they're necessary.

Explain that your experience gives you a different perspective, and ask him if he has considered the possibility that someone close to him might one day need an organ that never materializes. Or that he himself might.

And if he did need one, and one became available, would he accept it? What about a bone graft? Is it okay by him that other people aren't buried whole? Does he think it's morally consistent to live knowing that the medical safety net of donated organs is there for him, and that he's willing to avail himself of it, but not contribute to it himself?

Does he want his tonsils back?

Then he can revisit his stance, while you revisit your deal-breakers.

Dear Carolyn:

My husband and I are in our late 30s and have been happily married for 13 years. People tell me all the time they think we'd be great parents, and we would be. We don't have children because we CAN'T have children. It never ceases to amaze me how casually friends and even acquaintances will launch into the "So, you've decided not to have kids . . ." discussion. Needless to say, it's a tad heartbreaking.

Our families know the real deal and that's what matters to us. I need a good response for the casual inquiry. I guess I could just say, "Yes, we've decided not to have kids," but that prompts more inquiries as to why, and "because we can't" gets too personal too quickly and "we don't want them" just isn't true. Any suggestions for a response that closes the subject without making me feel like a jerk?

Va.

Cliches in writing, bad; cliches in social transactions, good. That's because the common knowledge of the phrase saves you from having to be precise, thorough or anything else that feels wrong. In this case, I'd recommend "It's not in the cards for us." It implies an absence of choice, and the issue is closed.

Of course, some people wouldn't know a closed issue if it swatted them in the nose, and they'll respond with, "Really? Why?" Then you go to the cliche file again for "It's a long story."

I'm sorry for those lousy cards.