Full Metal Racket: 3 Rock Dinosaurs Roar Back to Life

How is it that 1980s animals like Def Leppard, White Lion and Whitesnake are still able to roam the Earth? New albums from all three bands only serve to deepen the mystery.

Def Leppard makes a case for current relevance near the beginning of its 11th studio effort, "Songs From the Sparkle Lounge." Country star Tim McGraw sings on "Nine Lives," which mimics Bon Jovi's recent foray into Nashville yet exudes enough vintage Def Leppard party attitude to make it reasonably fun.

On tracks like "Hallucinate," Leppard uses an airbrushed template similar to 1987's gazillion-selling "Hysteria": Glossy vocal harmonies, synthetic drums, lightning guitar solos. But forgettable tune "Cruise Control" sums up the album's primary songwriting gear. Memorable melodies have been replaced by the hiss of an empty can of Aqua Net.

Hair teased like a rodeo queen's, White Lion vocalist Mike Tramp wasn't kidding when he begged us to "Wait" way back when: "Return of the Pride" is White Lion's first new studio album in 17 years.

Tramp is the only original member left. Too bad. Guitarist and co-songwriter Vito Bratta distinguished White Lion's pop metal-lite. Without him, the Lion never quite roars.

White Lion's music was always more serious than Tramp's pants suggested. (Ever try to shotgun a beer to "When the Children Cry"?) On this old-school disc, Tramp fancies himself a hair band Zig Ziglar, singing motivational lines such as "No one can ever stop you dreamin'!" while guitars squeal and keyboards process cheese. Tramp successfully conveys a father's love for his son on the sappy, strangely touching "I Will." But by this time, most listeners will not.

Based solely on its ridiculous title -- "Good to Be Bad" -- Whitesnake's first studio disc in more than a decade suggests you should haul it to the nearest Dumpster. Instead, find a CD player and slide it in. "These are the best years of my life!" frontman David Coverdale, 56, declares immediately, still conquering higher notes with his Robert Plant wail.

Shocker: Whitesnake has zero original members besides Coverdale. Irrelevant. Like AC/DC, he sticks to a brawny hard-rock formula and milks it smartly: a bluesy rocker here ("A Fool in Love"), a power ballad there ("All I Want All I Need"), a "Still of the Night" clone for good measure ("Lay Down Your Love.") It's surprisingly satisfying headbanging, causing you to root through boxes for that melted old Whitesnake cassette you definitely still have.

Still, why does the world even need a new Whitesnake album? Simple. For the same reason Fox Mulder needed that UFO poster in "The X-Files." Because we want to believe. We want to believe there's one more perfect Spandex anthem out there. That one morning, we'll trudge outside to wash the minivan and be greeted by a time-warped, sudsy Tawny Kitaen writhing in the driveway. It's a dream, man. Let sleeping mullets lie.

DOWNLOAD THESE: Def Leppard, "Nine Lives"; White Lion, "I Will"; Whitesnake, "All for Love," "Lay Down Your Love," "Good to Be Bad"