Hands-Off Dad Has Mom Wringing Hers

Q. No one could say that our kids -- a girl, 12, and a boy, 11 -- are extremely sheltered or that I lock them in their rooms. They are both deeply involved in sports and school and have been to many places with us and with friends and relatives.

It's just that my husband is too permissive, while I'm on the cautious side. These differences -- as well as money issues -- caused us to separate once and are causing trouble again.

For instance: My husband wanted to let my daughter watch movies all day with two 16-year-old girls from her youth group, but I didn't because I didn't want her exposed to the age difference and the conversation and because one of them said that she may like girls more than boys.

Another time, my daughter and her friend wanted to roam the neighborhood at 10 at night, while I wanted them to stay in the yard. When my husband let them go "for 15 minutes," they walked through a trailer park and a cotton field and were gone for a half-hour.

We also fight over the rules our children will have this summer. He thinks they can leave home at 9 a.m. and show up by dark, as we once did, but I think they must have a purpose and a destination and check in regularly.

The latest argument concerned my daughter's 13th birthday party. She wants to go to a hotel, have some girls and boys over to swim and then let three or four girls spend the night. We would tell the management, of course, and rent a room for us and one for the girls but I wouldn't let them run through the halls as they did at another party. I said something might happen to one of them because sex offenders don't have to register when they go to a hotel, like they do when they move into a town, but my husband said my ideas were too strict and too bizarre.

I also think our children should do regular chores, help me carry in the groceries and clean the kitchen after dinner, and he does not.

Will we ever agree on anything?

A.Probably not, unless you have a year or so of marriage therapy to put your priorities in order.

You need to learn to let your children go, your husband needs to know that they'll love him even if he says no, and you both need to teach them to think of others, as well as themselves.

Your daughter shouldn't spend an entire day with a couple of 16-year-olds, even if they asked her, because she will curb their style and turn them into babysitters if she stays more than an hour or two.

She also shouldn't go out after dark, with -- or without -- a friend, because they would be the only children running around at that hour and it would look as if no one cared, nor should they run around on their own all day unless they're at a home with adult supervision and tell you where they are.