Hands-Off Dad Has Mom Wringing Hers

Three or four young girls running around the halls of a hotel wouldn't tempt a sex offender who might be staying there, because he wouldn't accost several young teenagers at once, but they would disturb the other hotel guests and they have no right to do that. If you and your husband don't teach your children to think of others, no one else will.

Your children are more likely to empathize with other people -- and with you -- if you treat them like members of the family team, rather than its queen and king. And to do that, they'll have to have chores.

Eleven- and 12-year-olds should make their beds and wash at least some of their clothes, and they should each cook a simple dinner once a week. This may seem like a lot these days, but the more competent your children become, the more confident they'll be.

They're too young to clean up the kitchen alone, however, and if they did, you wouldn't know them as well. Children confide much more when they work alongside their parents than they do at the dinner table, because they don't have to make eye contact.

You and your husband may not always agree on rules and chores, but you won't resent it so much if you confer privately, find out who cares about a particular issue the most and then make allowances for each other. If you don't get your way, tell the children, without acrimony or anger, "I don't agree with your dad but I'll go along, because this matters more to him than to me," and ask him to say the same when you prevail. The truth will set you free.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.