The Problem Next Door

By all means, do not hit the send button on an inflammatory e-mail to the person or to the neighborhood e-mail list, said John Settle, a mediator at Settlement Associates in Virginia.

"There's a cliche: The advantage of an e-mail is you can send it instantly, distribute it widely and create a record. The disadvantage is you can send it instantly, distribute it widely and create a record," Settle said. "With e-mail, the expression of anger is just too easy."

It also runs counter to the neutral tone you need to resolve an issue, said Lorig Charkoudian, executive director of Community Mediation Maryland, a nonprofit group that provides training and technical support to mediation centers.

The "here's why I'm right and you're wrong" approach inevitably backfires by eliciting an emotional response instead of a rational one, Charkoudian said. "People think they must act as an aggressor or risk being a doormat."

Ideally, they should strive for a solution that accommodates their needs but also takes into account the other person's, Charkoudian said.

More often, as a feud escalates, the other person's needs are ignored or their intentions are misinterpreted, said Tracey Pilkerton Cairnie, a certified mediator at CoreVision in Fairfax.

"Sometimes the other person may be clueless to what's going on," she said.

Often the other person is taken off guard when confronted, but they should resist reacting defensively, she said. Instead, they should reframe what they heard ("Let me make sure I understood you correctly") and then take the time they need to respond.

"They can simply say: 'I can't talk at the moment, and I want to give you the attention you need. Can we schedule a time to meet later?' " Pilkerton Cairnie said.

Rattmann, the homeowner in Woodbridge, said he did some reading on conflict resolution before approaching his neighbor and adopted several of the suggested methods. He engaged the neighbor in a casual conversation and then slipped in, "Oh, by the way, let's talk about your yard."

"I just worked it into the conversation in a friendly way," said Rattmann, who has since given up on selling his house because of poor market conditions. "I finished it by saying: 'If there's anything I can help you with, maybe moving stuff around, let me know.' I didn't want to be in-your-face about it."

But going it alone is not always easy or workable. If one-to-one negotiations disintegrate, it's time to bring in a third party.