The Problem Next Door
In a Downturn, Those Quirks Can Turn Into Deal Breakers

By Dina ElBoghdady
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, May 17, 2008; F01

Chuck Rattmann paid little attention to the cars parked in his neighbor's yard, the numerous old lawn mowers and the unkempt look of the place -- until he tried to sell his Woodbridge house.

Potential buyers balked at what they saw next door, Rattmann said, prompting him to tentatively air his concerns in a casual face-to-face chat with his longtime neighbor.

"The lawn is now cut, and two cars have been removed," Rattmann said. "It's starting to look better. It needs more help, but the guy's headed in the right direction."

The potential for conflicts between neighbors can deepen during a housing slump like this one. Homeowners worried about their property values are prone to get more agitated more quickly about smaller things. Add to that today's mounting economic worries, and the likelihood for disputes grows because people have fewer financial or emotional reserves to tap.

At county government offices, complaints are piling up in areas hard hit by foreclosures and plummeting home prices. In Prince William County, for instance, the number of "tall grass" cases has soared to 450 this month from 80 this time last year. In certain regions, the rancor is obvious on neighborhood e-mail lists and Web sites such as RottenNeighbor.com, a search engine that allows users to post comments about homeowners anonymously.

"As the economy has gotten worse, the number of problems between neighbors seems to be increasing, and the size of what rises to the level of a problem seems to be decreasing," said Daniel R. Burk, a mediator and founder of Resolution Point in Great Falls. "People get less flexible as they get more stressed."

In these high-pressure times, it becomes more critical than usual to tactfully raise your concerns with a neighbor and to enlist the help of others. You may choose to file an anonymous complaint with county zoning officials, work with a trained mediator, speak to a lawyer about your options or file a lawsuit.

Whatever route you take, conflict-resolution experts recommend trying the old "sleep on it" method before acting.

The moment may pass.

If it doesn't, then it's time to pinpoint what is bothering you, what you want to achieve and how to engage the other person in a way that motivates him or her to work toward that outcome -- all of which should be done before you confront the neighbor, Burk said.

"The one person you need to convince about the benefits of this outcome is the person on the other side," Burk said. "They are least likely to be convinced if they have been trashed directly or indirectly."

That means you should avoid gossiping about them to other neighbors. Resist blame words such as "why" (as in, "Why is your dog digging in my yard?"), and try phrases such as "I feel" and "My intention is . . . ."

By all means, do not hit the send button on an inflammatory e-mail to the person or to the neighborhood e-mail list, said John Settle, a mediator at Settlement Associates in Virginia.

"There's a cliche: The advantage of an e-mail is you can send it instantly, distribute it widely and create a record. The disadvantage is you can send it instantly, distribute it widely and create a record," Settle said. "With e-mail, the expression of anger is just too easy."

It also runs counter to the neutral tone you need to resolve an issue, said Lorig Charkoudian, executive director of Community Mediation Maryland, a nonprofit group that provides training and technical support to mediation centers.

The "here's why I'm right and you're wrong" approach inevitably backfires by eliciting an emotional response instead of a rational one, Charkoudian said. "People think they must act as an aggressor or risk being a doormat."

Ideally, they should strive for a solution that accommodates their needs but also takes into account the other person's, Charkoudian said.

More often, as a feud escalates, the other person's needs are ignored or their intentions are misinterpreted, said Tracey Pilkerton Cairnie, a certified mediator at CoreVision in Fairfax.

"Sometimes the other person may be clueless to what's going on," she said.

Often the other person is taken off guard when confronted, but they should resist reacting defensively, she said. Instead, they should reframe what they heard ("Let me make sure I understood you correctly") and then take the time they need to respond.

"They can simply say: 'I can't talk at the moment, and I want to give you the attention you need. Can we schedule a time to meet later?' " Pilkerton Cairnie said.

Rattmann, the homeowner in Woodbridge, said he did some reading on conflict resolution before approaching his neighbor and adopted several of the suggested methods. He engaged the neighbor in a casual conversation and then slipped in, "Oh, by the way, let's talk about your yard."

"I just worked it into the conversation in a friendly way," said Rattmann, who has since given up on selling his house because of poor market conditions. "I finished it by saying: 'If there's anything I can help you with, maybe moving stuff around, let me know.' I didn't want to be in-your-face about it."

But going it alone is not always easy or workable. If one-to-one negotiations disintegrate, it's time to bring in a third party.

County zoning or land-use officials are an option and often an effective one if a neighbor is violating regulations.

"But if it's something that's just annoying, there's not much county government can do," said Susan Bell, Arlington County's director of community planning, housing and development.

Mediation groups can also step in at any stage -- even at the courthouse.

At the Conflict Resolution Center of Montgomery County, trained mediators accept calls, take complaints and then contact the neighbor to coax him or her to the negotiating table, said Patricia H. Lee, the group's executive director.

"Sometimes, the response is: 'What? Who called you? Is this the government? Is this the police?' " Lee said. "We explain that we're a nonprofit group that is making a request to get together on behalf of another neighbor. . . . It's voluntary and confidential."

It's also free. The center assigns cases to 147 mediators, some of whom focus on neighborhood disputes, and those mediators work pro bono. Some are retirees or trained specialists who want to give back to the community. Others run private practices.

But in mediation, the toughest challenge is bringing all the parties involved to the table.

If some of the players refuse to participate, exploring legal options may be the only thing left to do, short of giving up or moving.

But before hiring a lawyer, consider whether you want to use your lawyer as a weapon or as a resource to help you understand your rights -- and those of others.

You may learn from your lawyer, for instance, that you have no basis for legal action against the neighbor.

You also may find that filing a lawsuit would not be cost-effective and might only further damage an already shaky relationship. Plaintiffs need to consider how much money they are willing to spend to get the relief they're seeking, and defendants should think about whether it's easier to fix the problem than to spend money arguing about it.

"The best situation is when you can work it out neighbor to neighbor," said Martin D. Walsh, a real estate lawyer in Arlington.

Walsh took his own advice after buying a house in Falls Church many years ago. The routine house survey found that his neighbor's fence encroached on his yard. Walsh spoke to his neighbor, then drafted a letter detailing the situation.

In the letter, he granted permission for the fence to remain in place "because it was the neighborly thing to do," he said. But he also made clear that he was not giving up any legal right to the property encumbered by the fence.

He was concerned about the legal doctrine of adverse possession, which can formalize informal land grabs. "If someone has a fence for an extended period of time on your property, the property becomes theirs if they meet certain criteria and you never took action," Walsh said.

But when evidence suggests that somebody is violating your property rights and that person won't do anything about it, then it may be time to contact a lawyer, your title company or both, said Peter Drymalski, an investigator at the Office of Consumer Protection in Montgomery County. Title insurance companies guarantee the accuracy of lot surveys and have an interest in resolving property-line disputes.

Whatever agreement is reached, it should be put in writing, using the necessary legal language, and added to the public record at the county's land records office, said Martin J. Hutt, a real estate lawyer in Bethesda. In the case of allowing a fence to remain on the wrong side of a property line, he suggested a formal grant of an easement, an agreement that would entail drawings of where the fence, shed or deck is located and how much of an encroachment it is.

"The easement document is another level of detail that might not be done in a letter between neighbors," he said. "It's much more definitive."

Whatever the conflict, if it can't be resolved other than by litigation, keep in mind that you may lose, even if you win in court.

"The thing people have to keep in mind is that when the dispute is over, the other person is still going to be a neighbor," said Burk, the mediator in Great Falls. "In this housing market, your neighbor might even be your neighbor for many more years."