Three Rounds, Two Davids, One Knockout

By Lisa de Moraes
Wednesday, May 21, 2008; C01

For the first time since Clay vs. Ruben, two guys are competing for the "American Idol" tiara, so in an effort to guy it up, the producers go with a boxing-match motif. Because apparently, preteen girls and middle-aged women -- the show's core audience -- love boxing. Who knew?

With the show moved to the [Cellphone Company] theater, well-known professional ring announcer Michael Buffer introduces Idolette David "Sugarfoot" Cook. He then demonstrates why a rocker should never ever ever make it to the Final 2 of this competition, losing all his cred as he happily camps it up in a red satin robe and boxing gloves.

David "Babyface" Archuleta, on the other hand, has the good sense to seem really uncomfortable and embarrassed shoved into a blue satin robe and boxing gloves.

Music industry mogul Clive Davis is back, babbling and squinting. Best "Idol" guest mentor ever Andrew Lloyd Webber is back, too, only slightly more coherent than Davis, but he's clearly a victim of editor slicing and dicing.

Round 1: Songs Picked by Clive Davis

Cook is stuck with "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." In honor of the auspicious occasion, his Coroner Munchkin sideburns are back, but the rest of his hair has been made to look like a thatched roof.

Judge Randy Jackson likes the performance a lot. Judge Paula Abdul says he may not have found what he's looking for but we've found it and it's David Cook, amen, amen. Judge Simon Cowell calls it "phenomenal" in light of how tense Cook looked at the top of the show. Cook cocks his head to one side and gives his best stage surprised look.

Baby Elmo Archuleta's stuck with "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." The audience loves his performance. Randaula says the sun is never gonna go down on Baby Elmo because he brings so much sunshine to the world with his beautiful sunny performance -- and then collapses from pun exhaustion.

Simon calls it Baby Elmo's best performance to date. "Taking everything into account," he adds, "Round 1 goes to Archuleta."

Round 2: Idolette-Chosen Treacle Tune

For this round, the Two Davids must pick one of this season's "American Idol" Treacle Tune nominees.

Coroner Munchkin/Thatched Roof picks a tune called "Dream Big," which -- while a perfectly decent rock tune for a bartender -- is hardly Treacle Tune-worthy.

Randy says Cook sang his face off. Paula, on the other hand, insists his song is in his heart and his guitar is in his hand.

But Simon nicks him for choosing a song lacking in treacle. "Bearing in mind it was supposed to be, like, a winning song, it didn't feel like a winning moment to me," he explains.

Baby Elmo picks "In This Moment," which is the Mother of All Treacle Tunes. He decides to sing it while wearing a jacket with anchors all over it.

Give me a chance and I'll show you what's real

Open your eyes and you'll see that I'm stuck in this moment

And no one can take it from me.

Now I wanna stay

In this moment

No one can take it away from me.

Randy observes Baby Elmo can sing the phone book. Paula declares him on fire. Simon calls the tune "fantastically self-centered" but "much more in keeping with the night," adding, "Round 2 goes to David Archuleta."

Baby Elmo fights back tears -- good for another half a million votes. Coroner Munchkin is in some kind of real trouble now.

Round 3: Idolettes' Choice

Coroner Munchkin/Thatched Roof picks "The World I Know" because, he later explains, it's all about "progression." But of course it's not. It's all about winning. By the end of the performance, he appears to have realized this, because he begins to cry. Paula gives him a standing ovation.

Randy commends him for showing his "sensitive side." Paula says he's "standing in your truth."

Simon says CM/TR is one of the nicest and most sincere contestants they've ever had on "Idol." But the song, while pretty, was "completely and utterly the wrong song choice for you on the night," Simon says, and CM/TR should have resung "Billie Jean" or "Hello" -- you know, one of his showstoppers.

Baby Elmo, on the other hand, trots out his unstoppable performance of "Imagine."

Randaula declares him the best singer we can find in the best season, and is otherwise speechless.

"In my opinion," Simon says, "you came out there tonight to win and what we have witnessed is a knockout."

On the other hand, maybe what we saw was Coroner Munchkin/Thatched Roof taking a dive so that he can have a successful non-"Idol"-winning rocker career, as has Chris Daughtry.

* * *

Strike-battered networks crawled to the TV season finish line, leaving a grisly trail of record-low ratings.

Here's a look at the week's survivors and victims:

WINNER

Academy of Country Music Awards. Moving the ACM awards show from Tuesday -- opposite "American Idol" and "Dancing With the Stars" -- to Sunday -- opposite "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and "Desperate Housewives" -- brought nearly 3 million more viewers to the trophy show on CBS, landing it back in double digits. Look for other trophy shows to move back to Sunday night.

LOSERS

NBC. The network suffered its smallest weekly in-season audience ever -- 5.5 million viewers, little more than half CBS's weekly 10.3 million. Only one NBC series cracked double-digit ratings last week, No. 16-ranked "Law & Order: SVU."

Fox. Two nights of "American Idol" and Fox winds up with the week's third- biggest audience, behind CBS and ABC?

"American Gladiator." When NBC revived the franchise in January, more than 12 million tuned in. When it returned to the network's schedule last Monday, only 5 million bothered.

"The Bachelor: London Calling." Just 8.5 million viewers took the call -- the franchise's smallest finale ever.

"America's Next Top Model." When "plus-size" Whitney Thompson (she's a size 10) wins, only 4.8 million bother watching, the smallest "ANTM" finale crowd since its first, summer edition. Given CW's many ratings woes, look for a "big girl" to win again -- never.

"CSI." Smallest season finale ever.

"Ghost Whisperer." Record low for an original episode -- 8.4 million viewers.

"Desperate Housewives." The housewives are flash-forwarded five years, and only 17 million tune in, for the smallest "DH" season finale ever.

"The Hills." Season finale attracts 3.8 million viewers in its first telecast, falling flat compared with last year's finale (4 million) and this season's debut (5 million).

The week's 10 most watched programs, in order, were: Fox's Wednesday and Tuesday "American Idol"; ABC's Monday "Dancing With the Stars"; CBS's "CSI"; ABC's Tuesday "Dancing With the Stars," "Desperate Housewives" and "Grey's Anatomy"; Fox's "House"; and CBS's "NCIS" and "Without a Trace."