By Lisa de Moraes
Thursday, May 22, 2008; C01

Rocker/word-geek David Cook won "American Idol," trouncing presumed winner little David Archuleta by 12 million votes, host Ryan Seacrest announced on last night's two-hour finale.

A record 97.5 million votes were cast -- the same, Seacrest says, as if every single person in Canada, Spain, Ireland and Australia had cast one vote.

And what an infomercial it was! Only four minutes in, the Idolettes are already shilling for the Fox network's summer series "So You Think You Can Dance."

Not coincidentally, Janice Dickinson is seen in the audience, shouting, "I love you!" at some poor unsuspecting Idolette onstage, by way of plugging herself and her Oxygen reality series, "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency."

By 8:13 p.m. they are shamelessly hawking the Paramount flick "The Love Guru," who, Seacrest insists, is the official "American Idol" guru. Of course it's Mike Myers playing Guru Pitka. And, just like the previous night with the whole boxing robes and gloves gag, David Cook seems way too comfortable for a rocker guy helping to promote this flick. The Two Davids go to meet Guru Pitka at his ashram. David Cook, his hair still looking like a freshly thatched roof, though the here-again/gone-again Coroner Munchkin side curls are gone again, greets Myers with the movie's faux salutation, "Mariska Hargitay."

Baby Elmo Archuleta, meanwhile, looks utterly miserable, listening to Myers talk about how he, Baby Elmo, is very young but soon will have hair "in weird and wonderful places."

"It was a very 'interesting' session -- I had no idea what he was talking about," Baby Elmo says, uncomfortably. Cook, on the other hand, vamps: "I thought his advice was contradictory 'cause I've read his book" -- something no self-respecting rocker would do.

The Two Davids are handed the keys to Ford Hybrid SUVs because, Seacrest says, they got great feedback on their starring moments in this season's Ford Music Videos.

Around 8:45, ABC late-night guy Jimmy Kimmel gets to do a few minutes of stand-up: "I valet-parked outside -- how much should I tip Sanjaya?" Da-dum-dum!

Not until 8:55 do we see one of the Davids -- Thatched-Roof David -- finally get to sing a whole tune. It's "Sharp Dressed Man," with ZZ Top. They've got a tour coming up this summer! What are the odds?

Last year's winner, Jordin Sparks, is living the "Idol" dream, we're told. "But why should I have all the fun?" she asks from Disney World. We agree.

Turns out, she shouldn't. You, too, can audition just like on "American Idol" at the American Idol Experience at Disney World in Florida, she says.

"You get to live the dream at the place where dreams come true."

Minutes later, Sparks magically travels all the way from Disney World in Florida to the [Cellphone Company] Theatre in downtown Los Angeles to sing live for the "Idol" audience. But why did they dress her in Mylar and send her to the Brooke White Dance Academy?

Failed Idolette Syesha Mercado gets to sing with Seal, lucky girl.

Jason Castro has to sing "Hallelujah" again, by himself again, while chicks in the audience squeal -- again.

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns -- this year's shoulda coulda woulda "Idol" finalists -- sing a duet, Chris Daughtry's audition song, "The Letter."

Poor Graham Nash is stuck singing "Teach Your Children" with Nanny Brooke. But he's touring this summer with David Crosby and Stephen Stills and, presumably, they wanted to plug it on "Idol." Apparently Nash drew the short straw.

The six Idolette chicks sing "She Works Hard for the Money" by way of introducing Donna Summer, who wants to perform her new single, "Stomp Your Feet," while those pesky "So You Think You Can Dance" dancers throw themselves around the stage. She has to be helped down the stairway to the stage by two men. It's sad.

Then Summer breaks into her cheesetastic disco anthem "Last Dance" and Syesha gets to sing and dance next to her, like the Ghost of Donna Summer Past -- and those darn "SYTYCD" dancers continue to fling themselves all over the stage.

The six Idolette guys then sing with Bryan Adams -- Canada's answer to Bruce Springsteen, you know. Canada, you'll recall, is one of those countries that passed a law requiring every citizen to cast exactly one vote in this year's "American Idol." And, what a coincidence, Adams has got a new album out, "11."

Here's the Jonas Brothers -- they've got a tour coming up in July and it will be turned into a 3-D movie!

We take a break from your commercials for the following programming: It's this season's worst-auditioners tape time. Which can only mean Seacrest is about to bring out:

Renaldo Lapuz!

In his Liberace-attending- a-costume-party-as-messenger- god-Hermes outfit!

With the USC Marching Band!

And the USC Song Girls! (pompom chicks to you and me)

And judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul once again climb onstage to hog/share the spotlight with Renaldo. Is this the best "American Idol" finale ever or what?

What's this? Thatched Roof gets ZZ Top and all Baby Elmo gets is to sing with One Republic?

Seacrest never bothers explaining why we're about to watch previously unseen footage of Gladys Knight auditioning the Pips in 1972. Oh, because it's actually Ben Stiller, Jack Black and "Iron Man" Robert Downey Jr. pretending to be Pips. Did you know they're starring in that "Tropic Thunder" flick coming out in August?

Oh, look! It's Season 4 "Idol" winner Carrie Underwood, dressed as a Wimbledon streetwalker with a hammock slung between her arms, singing her newest tune about hopping into the sack with a random guy and waking up married to him so she doesn't even know her new "Last Name." Hate when that happens.

The 12 Idolettes sing together one last time -- before singing together on tour for 2 1/2 months.

Biker Nurse has aged a decade and looks mondo mad to be there. Even so, they should swap out Ramiele Malubay or Nanny Brooke and put her in the Tour of the Top 10, because at least she's different. It's good to see Alleged Lapdancer again, too.

It's 9:47 and still no Dead Singers, as rumored here and there, no "MJ" -- as in Michael Jackson -- as teased by "Idol" judge Paula Abdul on celebrity suck-up show "Extra," no "biggest star in the world," as promised by exec producer Nigel Lythgoe on Seacrest's radio show.

Then George Michael appears and all is forgiven. He's got a tour starting in June and recently released his CD, "Twenty Five." He sings "Praying for Time," which is on his new CD and which, gotta say, is much better performed by him than by Carrie Underwood on this season's "Idol Gives Back." All three "Idol" judges, Randy Jackson, Paula and Simon Cowell, give him a standing ovation.

Randaula announces it's been one of the strongest "Idol" years ever and vows this is the start of the Two Davids' "destinies of their careers" and that it just goes to show "how truly special we are as people."

Simon then launches into a lengthy apology to Thatched Roof for having said, in keeping with the previous night's whole strained boxing-match theme, that he got knocked out by David Archuleta. We smell a setup; Simon knows something.

At 9:59 p.m. Seacrest announces Thatched Roof is our new American Idol. On cue, Thatched Roof begins to sing his new credibility-crushing "American Idol" Treacle Tune, "Time of My Life":

And I'll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time

To be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

* * *

Fox had some good news heading into last night's "American Idol" finale. The night before, the David-a-David rumble had clocked the franchise's best Tuesday numbers in two months.

More than 27 million people sat through the 8 p.m. sing-off-as-boxing-match, which the "Idol" judges declared a "knockout" win for little David Archuleta over David Cook.

Even better: That's nearly 2 million more viewers than were lured into watching last year's train wreck of a sing-off between perky Jordin Sparks and spaztastic Beatbox Boy Blake Lewis while wondering how it had come to that.

Ironically, the most watched final "Idol" performance night was the beauty-and-the-beast match of '06 between gray-haired Soul Patroller Taylor Hicks and Katharine "HowHotAmI" McPhee.

Foolishly, nearly 32 million sat through that battle of the sorta-good and the not-very-good. Try finding five of those viewers who will admit to sitting through that whole two-hour orgy of mediocrity -- it can't be done.

Fox also won this week's Tuesday reality-show death match. Right after the conclusion of "Idol" at 9 -- when, in theory, more homes are using television than at 8 -- the finale of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" logged 20 million viewers.

That's down 3 million compared with last spring's finale.

On the other hand, 20 million isn't bad, considering this season was kind of suspenseless, what with being a Kristi Yamaguchi walkover and all.

The former Olympic ice skater is the highest-scoring contestant in the show's history, and before winning the coveted Mirrored Disco Ball on Tuesday night, her final three performances -- two during the last Monday telecast of the franchise and one on the next night's finale -- all resulted in perfect scores, for a total of 90 out of a possible 90.