Tell Debt Do We Part

A primer on how to handle nuisance calls

(Eric Shansby)

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By Gene Weingarten

Sunday, June 1, 2008

LESS THAN AN HOUR after I got my new home phone number, the annoying calls began. They all asked for the same person -- Diana -- and they all sounded suspiciously friendly. Not overbearingly friendly, the way telemarketers sound, but tension-filled friendly, like the good cop after the one with the brass knuckles has already dropped in to say hello.

At first, I just told the callers that no one named Diana lived here, that this once had apparently been her phone number, but wasn't anymore, so please go away. It did no good. They kept calling back, week after week, sometimes two or three times a day, polite but persistent. I eventually figured out what these cagey callers were about, though they didn't make it easy for me. Of course, I didn't make it easy for them, either.

Me: Is this about money?

Them: Do you know Diana?

Me: Maybe. It is possible that I love her. If I do, what would you like me to tell her?

Them: That it's very, very important for her to call us.

Me: Wait. Has her Great-Uncle Acidophilus died and left her $17 million?

Them: Maybe.

Me: If you are misleading me, God will smite you with His righteous, nail-studded cudgel of retribution. Do you know God?

Them: Maybe. Do you know Diana?

Me: Maybe. Are you a collection agency?

Them: Maybe.

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