This Wedding Season, the Gift of Gall

· Finally, the parents of a bride insisted that the couple have a lavish wedding. But following the reception, the bride's father took the groom's mother aside. He told her that because his business was facing a financial emergency, he needed her and husband to lend him $25,000 to help pay for the wedding.

Well, at least he was just asking for a loan.

So what would you do in any of these cases?

When I first read the stories I was appalled, especially about the bride who wanted to piggyback on her cousin's shower. It takes a lot of gall to ask that guests attending someone else's party bring you gifts.

But on reflection, each story tells a lot about how people are pressed into doing something with their money that they don't want to do.

Let's look at destination weddings. This type of wedding can be lovely and certainly worth the money -- if you can truly afford it. And by afford, I mean you don't return to a credit card bill that will take you months to pay off.

If once you explain that you can't afford to go to a wedding and the bride or groom pressure you to attend, what you have is a display of selfishness. Don't let yourself be bullied by selfish people.

However, if you chose to attend the wedding knowing that it was a financial burden, you can't get mad if you find out that the couple used you to get a discount. At least they were being prudent.

As for the parents who gave the jilted bride-to-be money for her wedding, that story is a good reminder of how to give the right way. If you've agreed to pay for a wedding, or college expenses or somebody's rent, don't give the person all the money upfront. Don't give it to them directly. Ask for the bill and then pay the vendor directly.

So as you ponder how to respond to a wedding invitation and the financial craziness that may come with such a blessed event, remember you do have free will. Exercise it wisely.

· On the air: Michelle Singletary discusses personal finance on Tuesdays on NPR's "Day to Day" program and online athttp://www.npr.org.

· By mail: Readers can write to her at The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.

· By e-mail:singletarym@washpost.com.

Comments and questions are welcome, but because of the volume of mail, personal responses are not always possible. Please note that comments or questions may be used in a future column, with the writer's name, unless a specific request to do otherwise is indicated.