Big Brown's Belmont Blues

So, what happened to Big Brown? Was he unhealthy? Hot? Tired? Did someone get to him? For rare insight into the world of a fallen equine champion, we have obtained Big Brown's private journal from his historic week that wasn't at Belmont.

Sunday: You think Warren Buffett flies coach? Heck, when they ship me, I don't even get a movie on board. I mean, I'm worth $50 million at stud and I'm traveling in a trailer? . . . I ran into War Emblem at 7-Eleven. Dude's really let himself go. . . . When nobody's around, one of our favorite games at the stables is "Pin the Tail on the Jockey." . . . I'm glad Blabbermouth Dutrow thinks it's a "foregone conclusion" I'm going to win the Belmont. Man, my foot is KILLING ME. . . .

I love the smell of fresh hay in the morning.

Monday: Why the fuss about my steroid use? "Dancing With the Stars" pretty boy Christian de la Fuente is popping Percocets like Skittles and he's an international hero. . . . Why is everyone always interviewing Kent Desormeaux? You could've put Gary Coleman in the saddle and I'd still have won these races by five lengths. . . . I don't trust people, which is why I've arranged for direct deposit on all my purse money. . . . Next year at this time, it'll just be me and the mares in the backwoods of Kentucky. . . .

Shouldn't PETA concentrate on bullfighting?

Tuesday: If we're winning so much money, how come the hoof specialist who treats me looks like an orderly from "Scrubs"? . . . I always have trouble sleeping in New York, plus the escort service won't send a filly out this far. . . . Just plucked "The Black Stallion" off of Amazon for $3.89, plus shipping. Sweet. . . . I think I heard Blabbermouth Dutrow telling reporters I could beat Obama and McCain. . . . If we lose this race, I've got two words for you: Jockey error. . . .

If it were up to me, all grooms would be required to wear deodorant.

Wednesday: Casino Drive, my butt. That horse couldn't beat a Budweiser Clydesdale pulling a wagon train full of Michelob Ultra. . . . My allergies are acting up, but I've got a medicine cabinet full of Winstrol instead of Claritin. . . . I heard a rumor that Barn No. 9 has premium cable. . . . I'm worried about Denis of Cork like Travis Henry is worried about birth control. . . . If I'm Big Man on Campus, how come my stall is downwind from the gaseous Icabad Crane? . . .

How tough is it to get organic oats for breakfast?

Thursday: Part of me says I can't lose, but another part of me -- my hoof -- says I need some time off my feet. . . . Blabbermouth Dutrow's talking about the Travers Stakes and the Breeders' Cup Classic, but I've got a date with the ladies. . . . What's with these predawn workouts? I like sleeping in. . . . In my next life, I'll go to the whip on Kent Desormeaux every day and twice on Sunday. . . . What, there are no cute exercise riders in all of New York? . . . I have an itch behind my right ear that I just can't get to. . . .

My favorite Triple Crown winner of all time? Probably Joe Medwick.

Friday: Here's what went wrong with Smarty Jones: The night before the Belmont, he played Chutes and Ladders until 4 in the morning. . . . Frankly, I don't think Casino Drive could even beat me at Pai Gow. . . . Talked to Barry Bonds on the phone briefly. He's one of the few athletes out there I can relate to. . . . They've got this acrylic patch on my cracked hoof when, honestly, all I want is a pair of penny loafers. . . . Would it kill the National Horsemen's Benevolence & Protection Association to offer us free dental? . . .