Big Brown's Belmont Blues

By Norman Chad
Monday, June 9, 2008

So, what happened to Big Brown? Was he unhealthy? Hot? Tired? Did someone get to him? For rare insight into the world of a fallen equine champion, we have obtained Big Brown's private journal from his historic week that wasn't at Belmont.

Sunday: You think Warren Buffett flies coach? Heck, when they ship me, I don't even get a movie on board. I mean, I'm worth $50 million at stud and I'm traveling in a trailer? . . . I ran into War Emblem at 7-Eleven. Dude's really let himself go. . . . When nobody's around, one of our favorite games at the stables is "Pin the Tail on the Jockey." . . . I'm glad Blabbermouth Dutrow thinks it's a "foregone conclusion" I'm going to win the Belmont. Man, my foot is KILLING ME. . . .

I love the smell of fresh hay in the morning.

Monday: Why the fuss about my steroid use? "Dancing With the Stars" pretty boy Christian de la Fuente is popping Percocets like Skittles and he's an international hero. . . . Why is everyone always interviewing Kent Desormeaux? You could've put Gary Coleman in the saddle and I'd still have won these races by five lengths. . . . I don't trust people, which is why I've arranged for direct deposit on all my purse money. . . . Next year at this time, it'll just be me and the mares in the backwoods of Kentucky. . . .

Shouldn't PETA concentrate on bullfighting?

Tuesday: If we're winning so much money, how come the hoof specialist who treats me looks like an orderly from "Scrubs"? . . . I always have trouble sleeping in New York, plus the escort service won't send a filly out this far. . . . Just plucked "The Black Stallion" off of Amazon for $3.89, plus shipping. Sweet. . . . I think I heard Blabbermouth Dutrow telling reporters I could beat Obama and McCain. . . . If we lose this race, I've got two words for you: Jockey error. . . .

If it were up to me, all grooms would be required to wear deodorant.

Wednesday: Casino Drive, my butt. That horse couldn't beat a Budweiser Clydesdale pulling a wagon train full of Michelob Ultra. . . . My allergies are acting up, but I've got a medicine cabinet full of Winstrol instead of Claritin. . . . I heard a rumor that Barn No. 9 has premium cable. . . . I'm worried about Denis of Cork like Travis Henry is worried about birth control. . . . If I'm Big Man on Campus, how come my stall is downwind from the gaseous Icabad Crane? . . .

How tough is it to get organic oats for breakfast?

Thursday: Part of me says I can't lose, but another part of me -- my hoof -- says I need some time off my feet. . . . Blabbermouth Dutrow's talking about the Travers Stakes and the Breeders' Cup Classic, but I've got a date with the ladies. . . . What's with these predawn workouts? I like sleeping in. . . . In my next life, I'll go to the whip on Kent Desormeaux every day and twice on Sunday. . . . What, there are no cute exercise riders in all of New York? . . . I have an itch behind my right ear that I just can't get to. . . .

My favorite Triple Crown winner of all time? Probably Joe Medwick.

Friday: Here's what went wrong with Smarty Jones: The night before the Belmont, he played Chutes and Ladders until 4 in the morning. . . . Frankly, I don't think Casino Drive could even beat me at Pai Gow. . . . Talked to Barry Bonds on the phone briefly. He's one of the few athletes out there I can relate to. . . . They've got this acrylic patch on my cracked hoof when, honestly, all I want is a pair of penny loafers. . . . Would it kill the National Horsemen's Benevolence & Protection Association to offer us free dental? . . .

I don't want to alarm anybody, but I'm really in no mood to run a mile and a half.

Saturday: Oh, so today we're finally racing? I usually don't know until the post parade. . . . I'll tell you why Casino Drive scratched: One, he couldn't win; two, he found a jockey's head in his bed this morning. . . . What a big crowd; they must be giving something away. . . . God, I hate the rail. I need room to roam. . . . I can't get that R. Kelly song out of my head. . . . So I lose one race and pull up, 'cause what's the point of chasing fifth place? Let's make foals!!!

Ask The Slouch

Q. Since The Slouch is getting a little long in the tooth, is he eating healthier than ever? (Bill Hughes; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Yesterday I started with a McSkillet Burrito from McDonald's, had a Bacon Club Chalupa from Taco Bell mid-afternoon and got me a Chili Cheese Coney from Sonic for a nightcap. Funeral arrangements are pending.

Q. In the NBA, how long is a 20-second timeout? (Paul Stocks; Houston)

A. It is not beyond the realm of possibility to cook a three-minute egg during a 20-second timeout.

Q. If Hillary Clinton were a thoroughbred, how many times would she have raced Big Brown before she gave up? (Frank Zbiegien; Euclid, Ohio)

A. She certainly should've entered the Belmont.

Q. I see that referee Dick Bavetta worked Game 1 of the NBA Finals. Has he worked all the Finals between the Lakers and the Celtics? (Jerry Arneson; Brookfield, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!