Lying Liars

"He carries that stick EVERYWHERE," reports shortskirt123. "It's a walrus penis bone. And he uses it to club ducklings to death. In front of children!"

"This guy never changes his underpants," writes trashypants. "I mean, never! I know because I have a contact at the laundry he uses. There's never any underpants!"

Here's another:

"Young women are always throwing themselves at him, and he treats them like dirt. Once, this pretty thing shows up at his house late at night and says, 'Take me.' So he does! He takes her pocketbook, locks her out of the house and calls the cops, says she's a stalker. I lost two hundred bucks and spent that night in jail. I mean, my friend. This happened to my friend. I want him dead, except I also want him so bad."

Gurrlegs 27 writes: "I was standing on line at CVS and this guy was behind me . . . TOTALLY staring at my butt. And I was like what are you looking at. And he goes, at is a preposition, you know. And then he kept staring at my butt."

Porky wrote: "I watched him rob a convenience store without a weapon. He goes in and tells the cashier she has to give him everything in the register. She says why, and he says, 'because you want to do it for me, and you know it.' There is like this pause and she does it! She even put in that little rubber-thumb thingie they use to count bills."

From sacksofsugar: "When I went with him my doctor had to double my birth control. Those things of his are baaad."

As I write this, a week has passed, and all of these items remain on the Web site, even though they are patently bogus and ridiculous. I have to say, the site doesn't seem to be doing too splendidly as a whole, traffic-wise. Six of my items are now in gossipreport.com's top-10 most popular postings of the week, almost certainly because of the eyeballing by my friends and me.

Gossipreport.com needs more posts! Imagine what would happen if everyone you knew posted ludicrously overheated, completely ridiculous stuff about you, until the site was overwhelmed by silliness, and no one could tell what was intended as truth, and what was parody. Some freaked out high school kids would be grateful.

Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com.

Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon.