Home In on the Positive: Ease the Move Overseas

Q. I have a distant possibility of taking a dream job overseas, but I feel guilty about moving my kids again. We moved to Europe and back again once before, and it was difficult for the kids to leave friends on both sides of the Atlantic each time.

Although my oldest is now off to college, I have a 15-year-old and an 8-year-old who would have to leave friends, neighbors, family, school and sports teams while I pursue a dream. Am I being selfish to consider it?

Is it important to give kids a rooted home life or would new and interesting experiences make up for that? What is the value of a stable hometown youth vs. a globe-trotting life?

Would I be hurting them by dragging them out of their home for my own ends? The choice is made more complicated because I don't really have to go; I could stay here and continue to work in my job, which is decent enough.

A.If you get that job, don't apologize for dragging your children away from their homes, their schools and their friends, because they will only pick up your negatives.

Any move is a little scary for children -- and parents, too -- but this one will be more fun and more exciting if you talk it up as an adventure; if you immerse the children in the culture, the language, the music and the customs of their new country before you go and after you get there; and if you help them make new friends while staying in touch with their old ones.

While it's great for children to grow up in the same home and to live in the same stable neighborhood, it's also important for them to see a world that's bigger than their own. Culture shocks broaden their lives and keep their minds alive and aware, and they should be pursued, wherever they live.

Just as well-off parents should occasionally take their children to grocery stores in poor neighborhoods to see how others live, so should poor parents take their children on a fancy house tour to see how the high-and-mighty live. A knowledge of the broad world is an education in itself. Life in another country, however, will enrich your children far more than these little hometown forays, because they will get to know people from other backgrounds and other religions and who probably think that their countries and their religions are better than ours. This will challenge your children to think more deeply and to be more curious about other cultures, particularly if you send them to the local school.

You should also encourage them to invite their classmates to barbecues and to picnics with fried chicken and apple pie so they can introduce America to their new friends. This may seem like more work for you, but if you're going to ask your children to move, you have to be willing to do more for them, to spend more time with them, to show them more sights and to explain more about the history and geography of their new country than you ever explained about your own.

You also should buy a webcam for your children so they can use their computers to see and talk with their friends back home, and encourage each child to invite his or her best friend to visit over the holidays. If these friends are asked early enough, and if they have enough frequent-flier miles, they may be able to afford the airfare, or perhaps you could let your 15-year-old fly home alone to see his friends once a year.

No matter what you do, your children may complain and mope when they arrive at their new house, for moving is tough on children, and they'll be homesick, too; but the move also should strengthen the bonds between you. Just plan to eat together most nights and to read "The Joy of Family Traditions" by Jennifer Trainer Thompson (Ten Speed, $17), so you can celebrate the holidays even better than you celebrate them now.

Home is where the heart is, just like your mama told you.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.