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CAROLYN HAX

(Nick Galifianakis for the Washington Post)

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A week later, when she was up and going again, she told me it was the best gift she'd ever gotten from anyone.

Another time a friend's mother was dying, three months after my own father died. Neither one of us had a good relationship with our parents; it's one of the things that bonds us. I called her a couple of times a week, left a message just to let her know I was thinking about her and I was here if she needed me. She never called back while her mother was dying. I saw her only once during the time, at an event where we both were participating. But a couple of weeks after the funeral she called to tell me how much my calls had meant to her.

You will be a lot more useful if you know how. And, if you're the one in that situation, it's not the time to be coy. Your friends and family often don't know how to respond, but if you tell them, you'll most probably get what you need.

L.G.C.

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, ortellme@washpost.com.

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