That '70s Column

The Ancient One recalls a bygone era

For a high school history class assignment, my editor's son, Sam Shroder, had to interview a genuine, living cadaver who is old enough to remember the 1970s. Here are his questions and my answers.

1. How old were you in 1970?

I turned 19 on October 2, 1970.

2. What was the main cultural highlight of the 1970s?

There were none.

Imagine that one day it became the cool thing for kids your age to strap Harry Potter novels to your bare feet and walk around that way all day. Stupid, right? Well, people did that in the 1970s, sort of; they were called platform shoes. Everyone wore them because everyone else did. That's what passed for culture in the 1970s: conformity. This was the sterile decade. The pinnacle of technological achievement was the perfection of the neutron bomb, which killed people but left buildings intact. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

3. What event in the '70s affected you the most?

It's a tossup. On one hand, Watergate made me want to change the world through journalism. However, I do not remember exactly where I was and what I was doing at the moment I heard about Watergate. Whereas Bucky Dent's game-winning home run in the 1978 single-game playoff between the Yanks and Red Sox É I'll go with Watergate, but only by a hair.

4. To you, what are the major differences between the '70s and the present?

The most important difference is that my prostate gland is a lot larger now. The reason you do not think this is a big honking deal, Sam, is that your prostate is the size of a walnut and not a beanbag chair.

The second major difference is that the U.S. presidents during the 1970s -- we're talking Nixon, Ford and Carter, three of the cruddiest presidents in history -- were all way better than the guy we have now.

5. What did you think of the Watergate scandal?