That '70s Column

Well, as I said, it made me want to change the world. It also made for great reading. The unexpurgated Watergate tapes were hilarious, revealing the president to be more batty than Osama's cave. Here's a direct quote: "You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists."

I thought there would never be more entertaining presidential reading, and I was right, until the Starr Report came out. God, that was great: a cornucopia of fabulous stuff, including the famous Footnote 220 in which it is officially revealed, in a solemn document submitted to Congress, that Monica Lewinsky once gave the president of the United States -- and I say this with all appropriate distaste and discomfort, aware as I am that you are just a kid, and that this is for a class assignment about history, and thus I must emphasize that I am reporting this not with glee or prurience but with a solemn regard for the importance of history and the sanctity of truth -- a romantic kiss on the tush.

6. How did you feel about the end of the Vietnam War?

That depends on what you mean by "the end of the Vietnam War." Do you mean when we pulled our troops out, declaring that we had achieved "peace with honor" and that we were leaving our allies all the tools they needed for self-defense and self-determination, or do you mean after their subsequent annihilation in the inevitable regionwide bloodbath?

The Vietnam War was the second-most idiotic foreign policy screw-up in this nation's history. Oh, wait. At the time, I guess it was the first-most idiotic. It's now the second-most idiotic.

7. What was your opinion about disco?

Well, on my list of musical genres it was pretty far down, between "clarinet-and-accordion polka duets" and "big-band tunes hummed by people with dentures."

8. What did you think about the Roe v. Wade decision?

I applauded it, but I was wrong. I'm pro-choice, but this decision was so poorly written and tenuously justified that it gave rise to an obnoxious, self-righteous political movement around which conservatives would be able to rally for the next 30 years. My theory is that conservatives don't actually want to overturn Roe v. Wade. They hate the sight of it but know they need it around. It's like the toilet plunger in the bathroom.

9. Do you believe that the '70s was a self-obsessed decade?

It was, but things have gotten much worse. I just got a Facebook "status update alert" informing me that one of my Facebook friends "no longer likes pasta."

10. What do you miss most about the '70s?

Walnut prostate.

Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon.