Three Wise Guys: Annoying Concertgoers, Tearing the Newspaper, Online Dating Sites

By Joe Heim, Justin Rude and Dan Zak
Sunday, July 6, 2008

Hi, 3WGs:

Why do guys act so stupid at concerts? I have been to two shows in the past 12 days, and in both cases, the Y chromosomes blew it for me.

First, there's the wild flailing of bowed limbs and bad dancing a la Kevin Federline. Then there is the wide-eyed, mouth-agape look you give each other when you recognize the first notes of a song. Teenage girls invented that look, but you fellas added the double high-five.

Now for the singing at the top of your lungs. Why?! Do you think I paid $82 a ticket to hear you scream all the lyrics? From now on I'll just download music and try to imagine what it's like to see the band live. I'm done.


Joe: First, I want to apologize for Dan's and Justin's behavior at the concert. I've warned them about the double high-five. Totally lame. But their actions aside, bad fan etiquette is not the territory of guys alone. Rude concert behavior cuts across gender lines. I went to a Yo-Yo Ma concert once and the row of ladies behind me were accompanying him on the miniature cellos they brought with them and screaming "Play some Dvorak! Whooo!" Obviously totally wasted. But back to Dan and Justin: I'm not surprised they were singing along. They've been trying to form the world's oldest boy band for years.

Dan: Excuse me, but Danny and the Rude Awakenings is probably going to be the biggest thing ever once we get a manager. We'll be like New Kids on the Block, but with actual dance moves.

Justin: Oh, please. As if there is such a thing as an inappropriately timed double high-five. Dan and I address that issue on our first single, "Totally Brahsome."

Dear Wise Guys:

Since you are in the newspaper business, I figure this will be easy. How come you can tear a newspaper fairly evenly from top to bottom, but when you try to tear the paper laterally, it always tears ragged or uneven?


Joe: I'm trying to figure out why this is an issue for you. Are you working on a papier-mache version of Mount Rushmore? Or is tearing the paper apart just the way you express displeasure with this column?

Dan: It has to do with wind shear. Just trust us.

Justin: You two are worthless. It turns out there's an expert on this very question right in our building. We talked to Hugh Price, The Post's director of operations planning and he explained that newspaper has a grain similar to a board of wood. That grain is created in the paper-making process: As the wet paper fibers are squeezed and dried, they tend to align in the same direction that the paper machine runs. The result is that when you tear with the grain (up and down) the paper will tear in a relatively straight line whereas when you go across the grain you end up with a jagged tear.

Dear Wise Guys:

My boyfriend and I met our freshman year of college at a party and have been together for nearly four years. With the growing number of online dating sites, I wonder: If we each set up an account, what is the likelihood that we would be matched?

Secretly Want to be Featured in an eHarmony Commercial

Justin: Since the compatibility algorithms on those sites run from overly sophisticated to overly random, it's probably not likely. Besides, you don't want to jump right into something like eHarmony; that's not how it's properly done. The first step is to spend a disappointing stretch of time scouring free online personals. I suggest you each practice by writing creepy missed-connections posts for Craigslist and move on to a pay service only when you can regularly pick each other out of that digital freak fest.

Joe: I think "digital freak fest" is a little strong, Justin. I met one of my current wives through an online dating site, and she is totally normal.

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