For Dating Teenagers, A Strict Open-Door Policy

Q. My 14-year-old daughter -- a responsible, down-to-earth kid -- thinks I'm being d raconian , and my husband, her stepfather, thinks I'm being unreasonably permissive. Personally, I don't know what to think.

My daughter wants to shut her bedroom door when her boyfriend (also 14, also a good kid) visits her. She wants to do this to keep her younger brothers from pestering them, she says, and to be fair, her brothers do pester them, despite my efforts.

She says she has earned my trust to behave behind closed doors because she doesn't smoke, drink, take drugs or have sex and because she's a straight-A student. Her dad allows her to shut her bedroom door at his house and so does her boyfriend's dad , but my husband says that a 14-year-old girl and boy should always be supervised when they're together. I'm in the middle, thinking these kids have plenty of other opportunities to sneak off to have sex, so why not let them shut the door? But if they do, am I inviting them to experiment?

I want my daughter to know I trust her, but I don't want to be permissive just because she's upset. Would you allow your daughter and her boyfriend to visit in her room with the door closed? If not, how would you explain it to her so that she knows I don't think that she's a "bad kid" or untrustworthy?

A.If you really want draconian, try this rule: Boys and girls may not entertain each other in their bedrooms, even if the door is wide open.

Sexual urges are much stronger than you or your daughter seem to realize, although children express them in different ways at different ages.

Most children between 3 and 7 will play doctor sooner or later, and if a grown-up isn't around, the little boy may try to take the little girl's temp by poking a popsicle stick or a spoon up her bottom. This leads to giggles and, if they're caught, to embarrassment and tears, but it also leaves them with a yen to do it again. That's why experienced parents insist that the door stays open whenever young children are playing in a room by themselves.

Parents can probably drop this rule when their children are between 7 and 10, since boys and girls have so little to do with each other at this age, but once they turn 11, they need it again. This is the age when boys and girls are more likely to smoke for the first time, or to shoplift, and from 11 to 16, they're liable to do things they may be embarrassed to remember one day.

Do you really want to put your daughter to the test?

It isn't a matter of your trust in her, but of your good sense. You and your husband are her protectors (as her dad and her boyfriend's dad should be), and you must do your job, even when it's not an easy one.

Tell your daughter you love her and trust her, but her boyfriend may not always be able to resist temptation if they're alone in a closed room. To allow her to close her bedroom door would be unfair to him and to her, since 14-year-olds aren't mature enough to handle the feelings that would pour over them when they crossed that chasm between adolescence and adulthood, nor would your daughter be ready for her friends and her world to know that she had made that leap. There is no such thing as a secret, especially in high school.

No matter how logical you are, your daughter will disagree with you. Be sympathetic, let her talk (and talk and talk), and when she's all talked out, tell her that you're sorry but you have no choice. You must do what you think is best.

You also must take your daughter's complaints seriously. Since you both say her brothers pester her when her boyfriend comes over, you have to do something about it. Tell your daughter you will either send her brothers out on play dates several times a week or hire a teenager to take them to the park, so she and her boyfriend can visit in the living room while you stay in the kitchen or in your own room. That's the way you and your husband entertain, and she can do it, too.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.