A Fourth of July Marathon Unspectacular

Welcome to the marathoniest Fourth of July in television history.

Whereas once the July 4 TV marathon notion ran mostly to the occasional Three Stooges endurance test, these days the Independence Day holiday has become an orgy of endless programming.

And nothing says "founding fathers" like a 17-hour MSNBC "To Catch a Predator" marathon, including two blocks of extra-special "Predator Raw: The Unseen Tapes." God bless America.

"It's a way to create some kind of brand or identity on a day when, if you put test pattern on, you would not do much worse than whatever marathon you put on," Fox scheduling guru Preston Beckman says of the mega mania.

"It's not like anybody actually watches these things. . . . Ratings for July 4 are not that great -- most people are out . . . but it makes you look smart -- it makes a little bit of noise on a day where you do nothing [ratings-wise].

"More and more networks are doing it now; it's almost like a tradition -- the pick-your-show marathon every July 4."

In fairness, some of the marathons are holiday-themed-ish.

Fox Movie Channel will run the Fox action flick "Independence Day" all day long, when it's not running its making-of-"Independence Day" documentary/infomercial. On HBO, you can relive the premium-cable network's entire you-loved-it-or-you-hated-it John Adams miniseries. History Channel appears, according to its Web site, to be running 10 episodes of the 13-episode miniseries "The Revolution." Tune in to see which bits of early U.S. history get left out to make room for three episodes of "Gangland," described as "a gritty, true-life series exposing the world of history's most notorious and dangerous gangs."

More often than not, a network's marathon of choice has more to do with what it's got lying around on the shelves and the whole "fun/mindless things to watch rather than having to talk to Uncle Bernie while waiting for the burgers to cook and the fireworks to start" programming strategy that has worked so well for so many on this holiday.

ABC Family, for instance, stays true to its mission with a "That '70s Show" marathon, starting at 11 a.m. with the pilot episode that rocketed Ashton Kutcher to his current Cameron Diaz co-star/reality series impresario heights.

AMC is going all-"Jaws" for the day, from 10:30 a.m. today to 5:30 a.m. tomorrow, while Turner Classic Movies has opted for all-Alfred Hitchcock, starting with "Notorious" at 7:30 a.m. and ending with Grace Kelly in jeans, surreptitiously reading a fashion mag at the close of "Rear Window," at 8 p.m.

MTV's "Real World: Hollywood" marathon lets you relive every excruciating moment to date of this "greenest" of all editions -- the liquor's organic? -- of the tattered 20-year-old franchise, hosted by the show's reigning queen of mouthiness, Coral! Not to be outdone, Fox Reality Channel presents skankalicious "Paradise Hotel" from 9:45 a.m. to 3:45 p.m., then immediately plunges into "Paradise Hotel 2" from 3:45 p.m. to 5 a.m. tomorrow.

Lifetime will kick off a month-long Christmas in July celebration -- because they can, in answer to your question -- with a lineup of what it's calling its "Fa La La La Fourth" Christmas flicks. Gak!

Sci Fi continues its 44-hour marathon, which started yesterday, of episodes from the sensational '60s "Twilight Zone" TV series, including some of the more famous, such as the one in which William Shatner is the only passenger on a plane in flight who seems to notice there's a little man outside making hash of one of the wings.

And, of course, there's that MSNBC marathon of its infamous child predator trapping/entrapping "news" series, "To Catch a Predator," which the cable network plugged on its Web site yesterday with:

"Grab a hot dog and settle down for a marathon of classic episodes."

So wrong on so many levels.