Latin Lovers

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Washington Sketch: Latin Lovers

The Washington Post's Dana Milbank sketches Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama's appearances at the LULAC convention on Tuesday.

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They exchanged versions of el pander escolar, the education pander. "Today, studies show that half of Hispanics and half of African Americans entering high school don't graduate with their class," McCain bemoaned. Obama met his ante by saying that "Latino students . . . are dropping out of school faster than nearly anybody else," and he raised him with a pledge to help "a Hispanic girl stuck in a crumbling school who graduates without learning to read."

Naturally, el pander migratorio, the immigration pander, figured prominently. "I and many other colleagues twice attempted to pass comprehensive immigration legislation," McCain said, to "deal practically and humanely with those who came here, as my distant ancestors did, to build a better, safer life for their families." Obama, in turn, said that "Senator McCain used to buck his party on immigration by fighting for comprehensive reform," but "when he was running for his party's nomination, he abandoned his courageous stance." But not Obama. "I marched with you in the streets of Chicago to meet our immigration challenge," he said.

Chupamedias! But no sobón worth his sycophancy would leave a political speech without the usual el pander amigable, fraternal pander, that identifies the politician with his host. "It's a wonderful pleasure for me to be back with you again -- so many friends, so many allies, so many partners in the struggle that we've waged together," McCain flattered.

Obama answered with an extended celebration of LULAC's purpose. "All for one and one for all: It's the idea that's at the heart of LULAC," he said. "And it's what this election is all about. It's about the future we can build together."

Both men closed their speeches in similar fashion -- by dropping all dignity and pouring on the praise. It's called el pander desnudo, the naked pander. "Let me close by briefly talking about my respect and gratitude for the contributions of Hispanic Americans to the culture, economy and security of the country that I have had the great honor of serving all my life," McCain uttered. "I represent the great state of Arizona, where Spanish was spoken before English was."

Obama had no problem surpassing that pander. He spoke of his work "to help end the outrage of Latinas making 57 cents for every dollar," his toil "as a civil rights lawyer to register Latino voters and ensure that Hispanics had an equal voice in city hall," and his view that "America has nothing to fear from our newcomers."

Obama desnudo told LULAC: "This election could well be decided by Latino voters. . . . I know how powerful a community you are. I also know how powerful you could be on November 4 if you translate your numbers into votes."

The last sock had been sucked. Obama left the stage to dance music with a Latin beat.

For a video version of this column, visit washingtonpost.com.