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Three Wise Guys: Novelty Car Horns, Preexisting Conditions, Lights On or Off, Whither the Wind

(By Danny Hellman)
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By Joe Heim, Justin Rude and Dan Zak
Sunday, July 13, 2008

Dear Wise Guys:

When I was growing up in Georgia, people had these novelty car horns that would play "Dixie" rather than just honk. I'm not interested in that, but I would like to know whether I can get my hands on other kinds of novelty car horns. I'm interested specifically in either one that sarcastically claps slowly (for particularly boneheaded driving maneuvers) or one that yells "The accelerator is the pedal on the right!"

Steve

Joe: How about one that plays taps when you become a road rage victim?

Justin: I have to agree with Joe on this one. An obnoxious custom car horn is a surefire way to let fellow motorists in on your impotent nerd fury. Those misgivings aside, a simple Internet search will reveal dozens of e-tailers just waiting to sell you their custom car horns. But before buying, you should check your local traffic codes. Sarcastically clapping for the slow-moving state trooper in front of you could produce interesting results.

Dear Wise Guys:

I've been wondering about my insurance company's preexisting-condition clause. If I died of a heart attack in a previous life, could the company deny my claim if I have a heart attack in my current life?

Hugh

Dan: Don't be ridiculous, Hugh. But here's something you should consider: Some plans offer what's called a post-existing compensation option, which pays benefits in one's next life for health costs incurred in one's current life. For example, in my last life, I was disfigured in a baking accident caused by faulty cake mix, and in this life I get a free lifetime supply of Betty Crocker Whipped Chocolate Frosting. Yes, I've grown tired of icing everything in sight -- muffins, sticks of gum, neighbors' door knobs -- but I want to get my money's worth.

Dear Wise Guys:

I come from a family full of strong opinions. My father and my sister have long argued about turning off lights when you leave a room. He thinks if you'll be back in less than 10 minutes then you should leave the light on. She thinks you should always turn the light off, no matter what. Who is right in terms of conserving energy?

Clearly Not the Brightest Bulb


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