Dad Is Gone, but Grief And a Dilemma Linger

Q. My 9-year-old son knows that his father -- my ex-husband -- died from injuries in a car accident two years ago, but he doesn't know that his dad was driving drunk. When and how should I tell him?

He saw his dad only every other weekend -- and sometimes less than that -- but he is still depressed by his death and uses it as an excuse for every little thing.

His father lived at his parents' house, and my ex-mother-in-law did more with my son than his dad ever did. When he stayed there, his dad would go out after my son went to bed and then he'd sleep a good chunk of the time the next day, when our son was awake and wanting to play.

I remarried seven years ago and my son has a pretty good relationship with my husband, but he often says, "I dunno, I miss my real dad." This makes my husband bite his tongue. He's not jealous; he simply feels sorry for my son because he has put his dad on a pedestal -- a place he never earned in life.

I grew up without my biological mom, but I knew enough to know I had a great life without her. I don't want my son to forget the good times he had with his dad; I just want him to quit making them into a fairy tale that didn't happen and to enjoy the life he has. When should he know the truth?

A.It might make you feel better to tell your son the truth about his dad, but it's hard to see how it could help a 9-year-old who is comforted by his own wishful thinking.

When he begins to ask probing questions about his father, you'll know he has begun to have doubts, but don't rush to confront him with your view of the sad past. He'll learn soon enough.

In the meantime, he needs more time. Even though his father died two years ago, your son is still grieving for him -- and he has the right to grieve. The loss of a parent, imperfect as he might have been, is traumatic and it will be relived in his mind many times. His grief may be intensified for a while by the emotional growth spurt he'll hit in his early teens, or by a move to a new house, a new school or even a new grade. Change isn't always easy, especially for a sad and lonely little boy, but you can help if you can be more compassionate. A child should never grieve alone.

Your son needs you to hug him when he says that he misses his dad, and to ask him what he misses the most, and he needs to hear how his father played peekaboo with him when he was a baby, read "Goodnight, Moon" to him until he fell asleep, and loved him always.

Although you can be his main listener, you shouldn't be the only one.

Rainbows, an international organization, has 3,200 active groups in 49 states to help children deal with death and divorce, and it could help your son, too. You'll learn how children express their grief in different ways at different ages, and in a different manner from adults.

If there's no group near you, check out the Web site http://www.rainbows.org to get some help online or by phone and to order the organization's parent packet and its fine book "Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope" by Suzy Yehl Marta (SawRobin, $17).

There also are three other good books that might help you understand what your son is going through: "Helping Children Cope With the Loss of a Loved One" by William C. Kroen (Free Spirit, $15), "Guiding Your Child Through Grief" by James P. Emswiler and Mary Ann Emswiler (Bantam, $14) and "Bereaved Children and Teens" by Earl A. Grollman (Beacon, $17).

If none of this helps, or if you think your son is using his father's death as an excuse to keep his distance from your husband, or if his unhappiness gets deeper and deeper, he probably needs to see a child therapist who specializes in grief. And if you continue to get upset when he praises his dad, you'll know that you need a little therapy, too.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.