CAROLYN HAX

By Carolyn Hax
Thursday, July 17, 2008

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Dear Carolyn:

I call my stay-at-home-with-baby husband. Phone rings at least six times. When he answers, he tells me he's out on the porch with our 9-month-old (in her playpen). I ask, "Did you run inside to answer the phone?" He says yes. Probably took 15 seconds, but still.

I am at work fuming. I know what I need to say, I just can't believe I'm saying it to him and not to a 13-year-old babysitter. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal; I think it is. We live on a fairly busy street. At the very least, someone could call social services on us.

How Mad Should I Be?

I say this knowing that scary kid accidents all seem to happen in those "15 seconds" when someone isn't looking, but I think you also need to realize these "15 seconds" are a fact of life at home with small children. It's just not possible to focus your full attention on anything all day every day.

And he ran in for the phone and presumably ran back out, and the baby was in the playpen, not crawling loose.

Would it have been better if he had let the phone go? Sure. Or picked the baby up when he went in to get it? Not so sure, if he was running.

Would you be angry if you were calling him from the side of the road in a broken-down car, and he didn't pick up?

Yes, I'm rationalizing, but it's for a good cause: The parent who's home needs -- yes, needs -- the benefit of the doubt from the parent who's away somewhere. Unless he has a pattern of questionable judgment (and not just judgment you question), say "argh" and let it go.

Re: Mad mom:

Oh man. As a stay-at-home dad, I got micromanaged all the time by my (working) wife. Fortunately, she pretty quickly got over it and went back to micromanaging her staff, once she realized I knew more than she did, given that I was the one with the kids all day every day, making all the decisions. But those first few months were . . . tough.

My heart goes out to the husband, busy street or not.

Anonymous

Better when you say it, thanks.

Dear Carolyn:

"Fuming Mad" needs to realize also that scary kid incidents are VERY rare, despite what we hear on the news. The United States has 300 million people, and even if CNN beat us over the head with a new awful tragedy every single day, that would mean only 1 in 200,000 kids was the victim.

24-Hour News World

Yes, yes. It's not just the news cycle that breeds needlessly jittery parents, though. It's also the disclaimers plastered on even the tiniest, least significant bit of baby paraphernalia, that MISUSE OF THIS PRODUCT CAN RESULT IN THE HIDEOUS INJURY OR DEATH OF YOUR CHILD, AND EVEN IF IT DOESN'T, THE ENTIRE VILLAGE WILL WITNESS YOUR INCOMPETENCE AND SHUN YOU, AND YOU WILL BE HAUNTED BY YOUR INADEQUACIES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, OR UNTIL YOU FINISH PAYING OFF COLLEGE, IF YOUR KID EVEN GETS INTO COLLEGE.

That's from the litigious-industrial complex, not CNN.

I get the need for safe products and consumer education, but really.

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, ortellme@washpost.com.