CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn:

My husband and I attended a party with several friends. During a conversation, one of the men commented to me that he really liked looking at my body. Nothing more was said at the time, but my husband later said I shouldn't have allowed him to talk to me that way, and that if it happens again and I don't put him in his place, he will. I enjoy his wife and don't want to damage the relationship. If he makes another comment, how should I handle it?

Perplexed

"[Buzz] off"?

I say this at my own peril, but maybe that will give it weight: This is one of those situations where its making it to an advice columnist is part of the problem.

By deflecting such a thoroughly inappropriate comment, you would not be damaging the relationship; you'd be keeping it in line. Any damage rests on the shoulders, always, of the person making the comment.

Which is something so basic, I'm forced to wonder why you needed me to say it. Did you enjoy the attention? That's a natural conclusion, but I have a hunch it's this instead: Are you, by nature, unsure of your own judgment about enforcing boundaries? In other words, when someone's being a jerk to you, is your first impulse to say, "What a jerk"? Or is it, "If I speak up, will he stop liking me?"

If it's the former, and you did like the attention, then I can see why your husband would appreciate some public support. (I'm assuming he didn't witness this, by the way, if only because I can't believe any spouse would have let it pass unchallenged.) It wouldn't fix the underlying problem of a jones for male attention, but it would be the equivalent of repeating something aloud as a memory aid -- in this case, you'd be remembering your priorities. The friend's brazenness plus your hesitation make for a volatile combination.

If it's the latter -- if you tend to freeze before a social challenge -- then it's your husband who should stick up for you, if only just by understanding it's not in your nature to fire at trespassers. Sympathy, as opposed to blame, would not only show that your husband knows you well, thereby bolstering your confidence. It would also indicate he trusts you implicitly, which would strengthen your bond, which would heighten your look of discomfort whenever someone crossed a flirtatious line.

Either way, confrontation isn't necessary to "put him in his place"; you need only that pained expression. (Expressions that say "ew," or "[buzz] off," or "could you be more of a jerk?" also work well.)

If he tries again, simply start avoiding him, the more assiduously the better, even when he's standing two feet away. Like a fellow commuter on a packed train, he's there but not there. If he raises the issue, a direct "I didn't appreciate your comment" will suffice.

Which brings me back to why responses to unwelcome advances are best executed without an assist from a column: The most effective ones are reflexive, rooted in a firm understanding of who you are, who your husband is and how completely you trust each other. As in, no-brainers. Since yours wasn't one, it might be time to ask why.

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, ortellme@washpost.com.