Cheap Whine

. . . and other ways to survive a bad economy

A MONTH AGO a key adviser to the McCain campaign, Phil Gramm, said that the economy isn't in such bad shape -- that we're a "nation of whiners" who should just stop complaining.

Gramm took a lot of heat for this, but I, for one, agree with him. It's time to stop kvetching and start behaving like real Americans, with bold and creative solutions to the economic challenges that face us. Here are some strategies to consider.

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Don't just use the toilet paper; also use the wrapping paper it comes in and the cardboard tube.

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Bring a child with you to a department store. Go into a dressing room with a big bag. When inside, put on four pairs of underwear, three shirts and two pairs of pants. Shove some gloves, socks and pantyhose in your pockets. When you leave the store, you will be accosted by security officers who have seen all this via surveillance camera. Run for it. They will tackle you. Your child will burst into tears. This is when they will discover that all the clothing is yours, brought from home in the bag. In a settlement, you will be offered a lot of free merchandise.

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If you shower in them, you need only one pair of underpants.

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Go to a restaurant, and order a hamburger. Eat a quarter of it in one bite. Summon the waiter, declare the food absolutely nauseating, and leave. Repeat three times.

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Pretend to be a ventriloquist so you can get your kid into a movie for free.