Questioning Authority

Dweeb-weeding for good government

DID YOU READ how a Bush administration official broke the law by asking extraneous, blatantly political questions of applicants for non-political jobs in the Justice Department? In trying to load the department with knee-jerk political conservatives, Monica Goodling inquired about the applicants' views on abortion and same-sex marriage, and also extracted political loyalty oaths, such as asking: "What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?"

As I see it, the problem here was not that these questions had no bearing on how well the applicant could do the job. On the contrary, extraneous questions can provide valuable guidance in the hiring process. It's just that Ms. Goodling -- a rock-ribbed, stiff-necked, ham-handed fundamentalist zealot -- was asking exactly the sort of questions designed to get the wrong people hired: people like her. If I'm doing the hiring, I want a different kind of person. Here's my job questionnaire. See if you can figure out my right answers.

1. Have you noticed that just about any company's voice mail system instructs you to "listen carefully" because the "options have recently changed"? Why do you think that is?

a. The options must have recently changed.

b. Okay, they fib a little, but it is for your own good, because they want you to listen carefully.

c. Corporate voice mail is designed by liars for their financial benefit and your inconvenience. Also, what about when the computer voice tells you to state the name of the person you want, and you say "Sarah Jeffries," and it says, "Thank you, connecting you to Mary Heffernan," and there's no way to stop it? Is lethal injection the right punishment for this?

2. Which is the best next line to this Bette Midler song:

"Did you ever know that you're my hero/You're everything I wish I could be/I can fly higher than an eagle . . ."

a. "You are the wind beneath my wings."

b. "You mean all the world to me."

c. "Though I'm homely as a beagle."

3. It has recently been revealed that the oldest recorded joke, traced back to the Sumerians in 1900 B.C., goes like this: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." What do you think of this joke?