How to Proofread, Politely

You would be misleading your well-wishers to characterize the event you suggest as a party. It sounds to Miss Manners more like a real estate event at which drinks are served in the hope of encouraging warm feelings and fuzzy thinking that might lead to putting money into a questionable deal.

Your friends apparently already have warm feelings toward you. Whether they, who cannot yet afford to buy homes of their own, would like to help pay for yours, Miss Manners cannot say. It does not strike her as a good deal for an investment in friendship.

Dear Miss Manners:

Is accommodating a single woman into a group of several couples enough of a headache to make the couples not want to make the effort, and, if so, why?

I have been a female member of such a group for the past 16 years. For the first half, I was married, but for most of the second half, I have been single. At first I was an active participant in most group activities, but over the past three or four years my status has slowly wound down to that of "fifth wheel."

I now see my old friends at an occasional holiday party or dinner at one of the houses, or one-on-one lunches with the wives once or twice a year. While this has been happening, due to slips of tongues and e-mail comments, I am forced to learn of a fair number of group get-togethers that I had not known about or been a part of.

I promise that the only reason I can imagine that I have been separated from the main group activities is my single status, and frankly, since these people were such good friends for so long, I am puzzled. What does Miss Manners suggest for a lady who finds herself disheartened and exhausted trying to figure out what she should do about this situation?

For reasons ranging from cruel thoughtlessness to nasty suspicions, it is not uncommon for couples to drop someone who becomes single.

But it can also happen out of excess compassion. The gentlemen refuse to allow the single lady to contribute to the expenses of an outing, and then get tired of paying for her. Or the ladies feel they should find her a date for the evening and can't.

In any case, doing something about it is preferable to brooding. Miss Manners recommends your putting aside hurt feelings and issuing invitations and excursion suggestions to these people until they resume the habit of including you.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008Judith Martin