Preschool Requires A Bit of Homework

Q. I've been a stay-at-home mom since my child was born nearly three years ago, and now my husband and I wonder whether we should put her into preschool.

She has had a fair amount of social interaction with other children in her play group -- mostly girls -- and in some music and tumbling classes, but does she need more? If so, should she start preschool at 3 or at 4?

And should we send her to the one that's near our house just because it's close and is in the elementary school that she'll attend one day? If we do send her, what should I look for in a preschool? And what is its purpose anyway?

A.Your little girl would probably do quite well if she stayed home with you this year and went to her play group, her music lessons and her tumbling classes, but preschool usually teaches children to share better and make friends more easily, and builds their vocabulary and their confidence, too.

If you think your daughter is temperamentally and developmentally ready for this experience -- or if you need more time to yourself -- ask your friends to recommend their favorite neighborhood preschools, get on their waiting lists and then choose the one that has the best curriculum and the smartest, friendliest teacher.

Your gut instinct may not be perfect, but it will have to do. There are no aptitude tests to tell you if your 3-year-old should be in nursery school this year -- and whether it should be a co-op, a Montessori, a Waldorf school or a pre-K for 3-year-olds -- or if your daughter should wait another year and then go to the pre-K for 4-year-olds in your elementary school. You just have to hope you're making the right call.

Don't think, though, that any preschool, no matter how fancy, will give your daughter an academic edge over other children -- nor should it. Life is not a competition. Your daughter may learn a bit more in preschool than the 3-year-olds who stay at home, but they'll catch up with her when they start school, just as they now run as fast as she does, even though she was able to run while they could barely walk.

You also shouldn't send your child to any school unless you visit it first. You want to know about its philosophy -- to make sure that it jibes with the philosophy of your family -- and to know that the class is limited to 12 to 15 children, that it has a teacher and an aide who get along well, and that they are flexible enough to change their schedule when the children get antsy (as 3-year-olds so often do).

Ask the teacher about the faculty's turnover rate, too, and whether she gets time off for staff development so she can do her job even better. And then ask her if she gets along well with the parents and whether she has regular conferences with them, lets them help in the classroom, tells them what's happening at school and gives them a way to get in touch with her if they need to tell her about a problem their child might be having at school or at home.

And, of course, make sure that the teacher gives the children healthful snacks and plenty of outdoor playtime and that there are lots of books, blocks and toys in the classroom as well as a box of dress-ups, a housekeeping corner, a sand table, a water table, clay, easels and pencils, paints and crayons. Preschoolers will create wonderfully imaginative stories and pictures if the teacher doesn't tell them how to play or what to draw.

If you like what you hear and see and can imagine your child playing happily at this school, you've probably found the right place. You'll know it is if she is eager to get there in the morning and reluctant to leave at noon, which is the best way to judge any school. If not, you can always take her out, with no harm done.

If you don't think your daughter is ready for preschool, however, you should keep her home this year. As psychologist David Elkind explains so well in "Miseducation" (Knopf, $16.95), there's no reason to push a child and plenty of reasons to let her take her own sweet time.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.