Eco-Friendly, Minus the Friendly

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Dear Miss Manners:

With the onset of global warming, now more than ever must we be more environmentally aware and do more to ensure a safer planet for all of us. I believe that making small changes in everyday life can have a great impact on creating a more eco-friendly world.

That said, it irritates me to see other people being wasteful and ignorant of how their behavior is so damaging. For example, a roommate used to leave the water running while she brushed her teeth.

I can easily correct my friends and family, but what about people, like my roommate, with whom I am not as close? The incident with her occurred over a year ago, and I still feel guilty for not correcting her behavior. As an environmentalist, I feel I should say something, but is it appropriate? And, if so, how should I say it?

With the same tact that Miss Manners is trying to muster in explaining to you that going around correcting others without invitation has (as you would put it) an impact on creating an unfriendly world.

That is not to say that you cannot discuss and explain environmentalism as long as you show people the respect that you feel for the planet.

Miss Manners gathers that you did not care for your roommate, or you would not be brooding about this a year later. But please get that irritation under control. If you are pleasant, you can talk about your dedication and even mention your habits -- saying, for example, that you turn off the water while brushing your teeth. That is more human-friendly than denouncing others' ignorance and issuing them orders.

Dear Miss Manners:

My husband and I recently went to a very lax after-dinner party where we knew only the host and one other couple. While we were there, the host as well as several other guests kept texting other people.

It seemed that every time I was in the middle of a conversation (at least five different times), the person I was talking with started to text someone from his cellphone.

The first couple of times, I tried to say casually that it was offensive, but after a while, I got more aggressive, saying it was rude and felt to me like they were whispering in front of me. The casual response was always something like, "It's work related" or "I'm only texting my husband."

I didn't feel that was appropriate either. If they were on the phone, shouldn't they at least say, "Excuse me, I have to take this call"? Am I wrong to be offended? Should I have handled it differently? I have always liked the host, but I told my husband afterward that I don't intend on attending future gatherings.

Party? It sounds like study hall.

You don't really need Miss Manners to tell you that it is always rude when you are in the midst of talking to someone to have that person turn to someone else, by whatever means. This is just another version of the party guest who looks over your shoulder in the hope of finding someone more interesting.

Such types never seem to succeed, do they? It doesn't matter with whom they find themselves -- they keep turning to someone else, even someone who isn't there.

Well, let them. You can't go around scolding people. But you can excuse yourself from their company the minute you lose their attention. It is only considerate to let them focus on the company they evidentially prefer.

Dear Miss Manners:

When my husband and I were married a month and a half ago, we received congratulatory cards and gifts from virtually all friends and family, except his parents.

I feel awkward even writing about this, but it seems a little odd not to receive a wedding present from his parents. They hosted a rehearsal dinner at their home, so perhaps that was their wedding gift to us -- we aren't really sure.

They are quite stable financially, so I honestly think that has nothing to do with it. I have talked to my husband about the situation, and he said he thought his mother wanted to wait until after the wedding to give us a gift that we did not get from other guests.

Neither of us wants to say anything to them about it, lest it be assumed we are trolling for gifts. Still, my feelings are quite hurt that we did not even receive so much as a card from them. Do you have any suggestions for us?

That you stop looking for alternative ways to troll for gifts.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008Judith Martin