Her Son Quit His Job. Now He's All Worked Up.

Q. My 21-year-old son leaves soon to complete his senior year at a private university, but it looks like he'll run out of spending money before he runs out of school.

We pay for his tuition, books, room and board, since he's on a partial athletic scholarship and can't work during the school year, but we've always expected our children to earn their "fun" money and their gas money during the summer.

My son didn't like his well-paying summer job this year, however, so he quit a few weeks early and has been relaxing ever since. Now he says he doesn't have nearly enough money to make it through the school year.

I guess he resents it when he sees the wealthy kids at his school get money from their parents whenever they want it and use their parents' credit cards whenever they please, but I don't know how my son could learn the value of a dollar if we gave him so much, so freely.

Although we feel terrible for him and his predicament, we think he has to suffer the consequences that come with quitting a job too soon. But how do we deal with this situation? How do we help him get through the school year without giving him extra money? Should we give him a loan?

A.Your son is 21, which is old enough to get into financial trouble -- and old enough to get out of it. He'll change, however, only if he pays for his own mistakes and accepts responsibility for them.

Begin by asking him how he plans to handle the situation rather than stepping in with a handful of cash or the promise of a loan. His ideas may not be as good as yours, but let him try them first, just as he always has.

Didn't you let your son crawl laboriously across the room to reach a special toy when he was a baby rather than hand it to him? Didn't he drag his quilt over his sheets when he was 3 and then tell you that he had made his bed? And didn't you let him mow the grass when he was 10, even though he sometimes mowed the flowers, too?

It would have been easier to do the work yourself rather than wait for him to master these skills but you instinctively knew that a child learns to do by doing. The more competent your son became, the better he felt about himself and the harder he tried to excel in school, in sports and in life.

This technique paid off, as it always does, but now your son must learn that he has to work hard if he wants to have the time and the money to play. Unfortunately, this abstract idea runs counter to the new and prolonged adolescence that now afflicts some of the 22 million young white males in this country (but few Latinos or African Americans). This extended adolescence, which starts at 16 and lasts until 26 or even 30, is documented painstakingly in "Guyland" (Harper, $26) by Michael Kimmel, who describes the behavior of hundreds of these late-blooming college students, construction workers, baristas and clerks. They spend most of their spare time drinking hard, he says, or playing video games, bullying girls and watching porn before they finally dare to grow up.

Your son won't fall into this mindless trap if you sympathize with him when he worries about money and then urge him to work at school, whenever he can. Every campus has families who occasionally need sitters and dog walkers, drivers and bartenders, homework helpers and errand runners or even someone who's willing to shine the silver before the dean comes for dinner. A few posters and an e-mail to the faculty -- but sent to their homes -- should bring in a bit of money, as long as your son lists the many odd jobs he can do.

He probably won't earn enough, but you could give him a moderate amount of spending money for his second semester instead of paying his tuition, as long as he takes out a college loan so he can pay that himself. He'd have to pay it back to the bank, of course, and with interest, but it will teach him to treat money with the respect it deserves.

And to help your son handle his finances better for the rest of his life, ask him to download Bank of America's Student Financial Handbook at http://www.bankofamerica.com/studentbanking. It's simple, clear, thorough -- and free.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.