CAROLYN HAX

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Hi Carolyn:

I am three months post-breakup with my BF of over a year. He cheated on me and left me for someone else. This after he said he knew how much it hurt to be cheated on (his ex-wife cheated on him) and wouldn't do it to someone else. When he found out his ex-wife was getting remarried, he flipped out and got together with some woman at work (before breaking up with me!).

I would have thought his heinous and selfish behavior would help me be glad I was free of him -- indeed, my friends are glad. Instead, I am obsessed with images of him being happily coupled with the office hooch he left me for, while I am in the proverbial fetal position mourning his betrayal. Any thoughts that might help me regain perspective?

Breakup Blues

I can see the temptation to blast yourself with "He's scum and he didn't deserve me!" propaganda, and I can see why your friends are trying it for you. It's usually our first resort when we hope to salvage some pride and self-worth from a catastrophic humiliation.

But I'm not sure it applies here, which may be why it's not working. Is what he did, technically, a betrayal? Of course. It also exposed the emptiness of his promise and made you feel like a fool for believing him, and all the other fun stuff that comes with getting dumped.

I just don't think his was the significant lie exposed here. The real whopper is that the world is black and white enough for an "I'll never cheat on you" promise to mean anything. As a shield against pain, those words are absolutely, flat-out meaningless.

I actually believe (from what little you wrote here) that even he probably believed his promise. But he also had no idea what he'd do if someone dropped his emotional foundation in a box and shook it really hard.

So, what you're processing right now isn't just that someone you counted on can hurt you in the one way you thought he wouldn't. You're processing the full force of the saying "Anything can happen."